Atticus pulled himself up from a crawling position to a standing position about two days ago. He is crawling all over the place. He can go up the two stairs from the family room to the kitchen. Now it is almost impossible to put a diaper on him. He absolutely will not stay on his back. He starts getting really pissed off when I put on on his back to change his diaper and rolls over on his side and grabs the edge of the changing table and tries to flip himself on his stomach. I repeatedly pick him up from his stomach and put him back on his back. It takes about seven or eight repeats of me putting him back on his back before I can get a diaper back on is twisting ass.
Adrienne used to sleep well. Once upon a time (up to about a month ago) I could just put Adrienne down in the crib without having to rock her to sleep. As long as she had her thumb in her pie-hole she was good to go for a night's sleep. Now it takes the same routine as with Atticus- rocking and rocking and rocking and waiting for her to go to sleep before putting her down in the crib.
Of course Atticus is still on the same routine- bottle, rock for at least 20 minutes, then put him in the crib, pacifier in mouth and he is good for sleep for at most two hours. When he gets up he then sleeps where I am supposed to... next to my wife. This method allows my wife to actually get some sleep.
During the move from the old house to the new one, I had to skip town to try to save one of our largest accounts. The wife pretty much handled the move all by her self with help from my sister who I flew in to help from Indianapolis. Thank Mercury for her! Well both of the twins got viral infections while I was out of town and in the middle of moving all of our shit from one house to another. Needless to say the wife got pretty much no sleep when I was gone.
At least now we are both sleeping.
But the new house is a disaster area. Boxes are strewn everywhere. When we need something we have no clue with what damn box to begin our search. Now that pagan holiday has arrived where everyone goes apeshit and that has piled more on us to do.
Adrienne has had nasal congestion since she was born. I cannot recall more than one day in a row when she had a clear sounding breathing pattern. It always sounds like her sinuses are full of nasty mucous. The family doctor suspected allergies so the wife took Adrienne to an allergy doctor who ran a test that told us Adrienne has a dust mite allergy. This is just freaking great.
A little about dust mites:
They are everywhere.
They eat your dead skin.
They infest your bedding and carpet.
They thrive in warm high-humidity environments (like your mattress)
They absorb water out of the air.
They regularly eat their own excrement if there isn't enough food around (kind of sounds like my offspring)
If you walk over carpet you are stirring up millions of particles of dust mite shit that stay aloft in the air for up to twenty minutes. Perfect for those unfortunate people who are allergic to dust mite shit.
So we had been running a humidifier in the twins carpeted room since they were born. Looks like we are going to have to get rid of all that damn carpet. I guess the wife is going to have to start hooking so we can get the cash we need to keep our kids healthy. I would be happy to make the sacrifice of selling my body but I would enjoy it too much.
12/23/2006
12/14/2006
Sleep when I'm Dead
[Whine mode on]
It has been a while since I last updated this sorry-assed blog. I think it has something to do with moving all our shit from one house to another, me traveling out of the country once again, taking care of two sick 6 month hold babies and trying to get rid of two of my seven mortgages.
So we have this big assed house for which we traded our future financial security. I have this pissed off customer who required an emergency trip out of the country right in the middle of trying to get moved from our hold house to the new one. I have these two 6 month old babies who both have viral infections and cannot sleep for more than two hours at a time. I have this almost-three-year-old daughter who is pissed off that she can't go sleep in "her" house. And lastly but certainly not leastly I have this overstressed, overworked, delerious from lack of sleep wife who somehow still manages to keep it all together. She also managed to pack all of our shit up in boxes and arranged the movers to get all of our shit moved while I was away on the ass-kissing business trip.
Turns out Atticus has an ear infection on top of his viral infection and Adrienne has a dust mite allergy (our new house has carpet.. er I mean a dust mite orgy motel.. in all the bedrooms). I knew twins were going to be tough but HOLY SHIT I never thought it would be this difficult. What doesn't make you totally insane will make you stronger. But I think I am on the fringe of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
[Whine mode off]
Well at least I have started to lose my certification of professional abstainer. Is there a full moon out?
It has been a while since I last updated this sorry-assed blog. I think it has something to do with moving all our shit from one house to another, me traveling out of the country once again, taking care of two sick 6 month hold babies and trying to get rid of two of my seven mortgages.
So we have this big assed house for which we traded our future financial security. I have this pissed off customer who required an emergency trip out of the country right in the middle of trying to get moved from our hold house to the new one. I have these two 6 month old babies who both have viral infections and cannot sleep for more than two hours at a time. I have this almost-three-year-old daughter who is pissed off that she can't go sleep in "her" house. And lastly but certainly not leastly I have this overstressed, overworked, delerious from lack of sleep wife who somehow still manages to keep it all together. She also managed to pack all of our shit up in boxes and arranged the movers to get all of our shit moved while I was away on the ass-kissing business trip.
Turns out Atticus has an ear infection on top of his viral infection and Adrienne has a dust mite allergy (our new house has carpet.. er I mean a dust mite orgy motel.. in all the bedrooms). I knew twins were going to be tough but HOLY SHIT I never thought it would be this difficult. What doesn't make you totally insane will make you stronger. But I think I am on the fringe of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
[Whine mode off]
Well at least I have started to lose my certification of professional abstainer. Is there a full moon out?
10/29/2006
god, what have I done?
Here is the house in which I curretly reside with the wife and three children under three:
Here is the house that will be our home after November 30:
I either need a raise or a lobotomy.
Here is the house that will be our home after November 30:
I either need a raise or a lobotomy.
10/10/2006
Attack of the Mad Shitter
Some people get stuck in Freud's infamous "Anal" stage.
Way back when I was a college sophomore someone on our hall started stealing the 12 oz drinking glasses from the dining hall, filling them with their fecal matter for the day and depositing it in front of an unsuspecting sleeping student's door. The poor bleary eyed student would awake in the morning to find the glass of cold turd staring at him as he opened the door. We dubbed the idiot who pulled these pranks the "Mad Shitter" It turned out the mad shitter was a senior in my fraternity. Bob Dalton, if you ever read this I hope someone shitteth on you.
It seems that the Mad Shitter has been reincarnated in a different not-so-discrete form. Lolo's big fun-thing-to-do-to-piss-off-the-parents now is playing with poop. What a delightful and fun way to spend quality time with a sweet little girl. We thought we had her potty trained but obviously she has regressed.
Over the past week she has thrilled herself three times. The first time it was finger painting on the white walls in the hall, on the door trim and on the carpet under her crib. We sternly informed her that poop was not for playing and that it belonged in the potty. She repeated back to us that poop belongs in the potty. As if to say "Fooled you dumbasses- I play with shit whenever I want to play with shit and you will run like a sissy and clean it up. I have ultimate power over you mindless and spineless dirtbags"
To prove her point, she made her next canvas the dining room table and floor. At least shit wipes easily from hardwood floors and underneath glass tabletops. Then yesterday Lolo decided that the patterns on the kitchen drapes did not have enough brown. Mmmm, Mmmm. Nothing like trying to get digested macaroni and cheese and goldfish off drapes that cost more than our car.
Maybe we can keep her in this stage for another two years. Then the twins will be old enough to battle Lolo in shit wars! We can have shit slumber parties, pin the shit on the donkey, and play hide-and-go-smear-shit-on-someone.
I gotta head out now and go buy some brown paint.
Way back when I was a college sophomore someone on our hall started stealing the 12 oz drinking glasses from the dining hall, filling them with their fecal matter for the day and depositing it in front of an unsuspecting sleeping student's door. The poor bleary eyed student would awake in the morning to find the glass of cold turd staring at him as he opened the door. We dubbed the idiot who pulled these pranks the "Mad Shitter" It turned out the mad shitter was a senior in my fraternity. Bob Dalton, if you ever read this I hope someone shitteth on you.
It seems that the Mad Shitter has been reincarnated in a different not-so-discrete form. Lolo's big fun-thing-to-do-to-piss-off-the-parents now is playing with poop. What a delightful and fun way to spend quality time with a sweet little girl. We thought we had her potty trained but obviously she has regressed.
Over the past week she has thrilled herself three times. The first time it was finger painting on the white walls in the hall, on the door trim and on the carpet under her crib. We sternly informed her that poop was not for playing and that it belonged in the potty. She repeated back to us that poop belongs in the potty. As if to say "Fooled you dumbasses- I play with shit whenever I want to play with shit and you will run like a sissy and clean it up. I have ultimate power over you mindless and spineless dirtbags"
To prove her point, she made her next canvas the dining room table and floor. At least shit wipes easily from hardwood floors and underneath glass tabletops. Then yesterday Lolo decided that the patterns on the kitchen drapes did not have enough brown. Mmmm, Mmmm. Nothing like trying to get digested macaroni and cheese and goldfish off drapes that cost more than our car.
Maybe we can keep her in this stage for another two years. Then the twins will be old enough to battle Lolo in shit wars! We can have shit slumber parties, pin the shit on the donkey, and play hide-and-go-smear-shit-on-someone.
I gotta head out now and go buy some brown paint.
9/19/2006
Aliens kidnap daughter and replace with small pissed off monster.
So today was another treat. Lolo did not want to go to sleep. She insisted that I leave the light on and the door open when I put her to bed. After about 15 minutes she started calling for mommy. The wife handed me Atticus and went into Lolo's bedroom. She emerged after about 15 minutes with Lolo crying and said "I guess she is just going to have to cry it out.
So we listened to Lolo cry.
And cry.
And scream.
For about 20 minutes.
The wife finally went back into Lolo's bedroom and the little monster soon was fast asleep.
What would life be without challenges.
Thank Mars that Adrienne is laid back. She can be put down and she will be just as happy like I am when I get a little action. Well, maybe not that happy. But she is content to sit and look around. She is able to put herself to sleep. She sucks her thumb and doesn't require constant rocking and holding to go to sleep.
Atticus on the other hand is just the opposite. He doesn't want to be put down. He can't go to sleep without twenty or so minutes of rocking and swaying. He gets pissed off if he is held in the same position for more than two minutes and definitely don't try to sit down with him if you aren't going to sit in a rocker.
How can these two be spawned from the same parents? I am beginning to think that the IVF clinic mixed my sperm up with that of a serial killers.
So we listened to Lolo cry.
And cry.
And scream.
For about 20 minutes.
The wife finally went back into Lolo's bedroom and the little monster soon was fast asleep.
What would life be without challenges.
Thank Mars that Adrienne is laid back. She can be put down and she will be just as happy like I am when I get a little action. Well, maybe not that happy. But she is content to sit and look around. She is able to put herself to sleep. She sucks her thumb and doesn't require constant rocking and holding to go to sleep.
Atticus on the other hand is just the opposite. He doesn't want to be put down. He can't go to sleep without twenty or so minutes of rocking and swaying. He gets pissed off if he is held in the same position for more than two minutes and definitely don't try to sit down with him if you aren't going to sit in a rocker.
How can these two be spawned from the same parents? I am beginning to think that the IVF clinic mixed my sperm up with that of a serial killers.
A Day in the Life
[Whine Mode On]
My day yesterday:
6:01- get whining daughter out of bed and fetch juice. Change daughter's soaked pull-up. Wonder why daughter was previously using potty but now would rather mess in her pants.
6:15- take shower and shave.
6:45- change female twin diaper.
6:50- prepare breakfast for 2.5 year old and watch as most of the breakfast is deposited on the floor and cocktail table.
7:00- drive to work.
7:30 to 5:00- work (vacation).
5:30- arrive home to embattled wife and attempt to dress 2.5 year old who doesn'’t want to put on swim suit.
5:45- take 2.5 year old to pool for swim lessons. Try not to notice young extremely attractive swim teacher in bathing suit.
5:50 to 6:24- make business calls.
6:30- try to convince 2.5 year old that it is time to leave.
6:45- arrive at grocery store to buy baby formula. 2.5 year old screams at top of her lungs in store because father will not buy her a light bulb. Strangers question why a 2.5 year old would want a lightbulb. Father wonders the same.
7:00- arrive home to wife attempting to get twins to sleep simultaneously.
7:15 attempt to give 2.5 year old bath while wife struggles with flailing twin.
7:25- attempt to blow dry hair of wiggling, screaming and crying 2.5 year old who is still pissed off that daddy didn't buy her a light bulb at the grocery store.
7:45- get pajamas on crying 2.5 year old screaming for mommy.
7:50- read book to somewhat subdued 2.5 year old as she puts her hands down her pants and then sniffs fingers.
8:00- put 2.5 year old in bed.
8:02- get 2.5 year old juice- the kind in the little green box because no other juice will satisfy 2.5 year old.
8:04- switch places with wife. Hold kicking male twin while wife lays on floor next to 2.5 year old in order to get her to sleep.
8:30- male twin still awake so feed male twin.
9:00- holding male twin over shoulder (the only position in which infant does not constantly wiggle) feel puke run down back and drip on floor.
9:30- continue to sway while holding male twin praying to someone that he will go to sleep.
9:50- male twin is asleep in arms. Attempt to put into crib.
9:51- male twin wakes up making gurgling noises. Pick up twin and continue to sway attempting to put him to sleep.
10:15- male twin is asleep. Attempt to put in crib.
10:16- male twin wakes up again. Pick up male twin and sway.
10:30- male twin is asleep. Attempt to put in crib. Attempt successful.
10:31- clean dried pre-digested baby formula off back and floor
10:35- heat meal in microwave
10:38- eat food
11:00- go to sleep on sofa since wife and female twin occupy queen bed previously slept in by father and mother
[Whine Mode Off]
9/13/2006
Newsflash - Wife reports that son has discovered penis
Last week the family went on "vacation" to our condo at the beach (the one that is a money vacuum) and much work was had by all adults present. I had just gotten back from Honduras and got to "relax" with the twins and Lolo for an entire week.During last week both of the twins started laughing. It is not a forceful laugh buy very soft and kind of understated but nonetheless a laugh. Another milestone.
Lolo spent the entire week in the pool except of course for when this picure was made. She is just too damn prissy to hang out on the beach for an extended period of time. Sure she got her ya-yas chasing seagulls that she could not catch (thank Zeus running makes her tired) and letting me bury her up to her neck in the sand. But the fun was always punctuated by a request to go to the pool. At first the waves excited her too but the fun of that wore off after the second day and she didn't' want anything to do with the salt water. So the day would always end with the wife tending to pooping, puking and crying twins and me standing in freezing hyperclorinated water catching a 2.5 year old throwing herself into the pool repeatedly for two hours at a time.
Nevertheless, I really enjoyed it and didn't want to come home.
The wife informed me yesterday the Atticus has found his penis. He is way ahead of me. I'm still looking for mine.
9/10/2006
Nancy Muniz
In Memory of Nancy Muniz
Age 45 on 9-11-01
Mother
Dedicated to her son
Well-liked friend to many
Hard-working
Human
Non-extremist religious views
A life that goes a long way in offsetting the cruelty of the rest of the world
If there is a glorious afterlife...
If there is a supreme being...
May you realize the ultimate kindness.
9/05/2006
9/04/2006
Sometimes You Don't Realize How Good You Have It
After spending one challenging week in Honduras and back and now am on "vacation" at the beach with super wife and three little bundles of joy.
We experienced a typical 2 year old meltdown today when I wouldn't let Lolo take all the yogurt she can hold to the beach with her. I am just lucky that she actually wanted to hold the yogurt in the container.
In our Honduras factory the employees are currently paid by cash. Frequently we have over $100,000 in Honduran currency in the facility on payday. People are killed for much, much less money in that country. In fact in one of the neighboring factories had their entire payroll stolen at gunpoint about a year ago. Despite the fact that we have the money delivered by armored car it is still very unsafe to have that amount of cash in the building.
I value the lives of my administrative employees in Honduras so we petitioned a bank to put a teller machine inside the industrial park very close to our building and we are planning on paying using a debit card instead of cash.
The employees revolted upon hearing that we were planning on paying via debit card. They were so upset that they initiated a work stoppage the entire day last Wednesday. After explaining to everyone why the decision was made to pay via debit card and how it would not be an inconvenince to them and most importantly of all that it very well could save the lives of some of our adminstrative staff, most employees still wanted to be paid in cash. It is very frustrating trying to implement change. It seems that no matter where I interact with people in the world, change is very difficult.
Since this happened in Honduras we were able to solve the issue very quickly. We rounded up the ten ringleaders who incited the work stoppage and promptly fired them. This is an entirely just way to handle this problem because we have the legal right to fire employees who willfully stop work without our permission with the intent of disrupting our production.
This might seem harsh to some but one needs to stop and consider that our employees work in some of the highest paying jobs in the Honduras manufacturing industry and have some of the best benefits. The unemployment rate is about 30% in Honduras so most people feel very fortunate when they have a job. It just goes to prove that the union mentality is everywhere despite socioeconomic status and education level.
I need a beer.
8/15/2006
It's a Piss Party!!!
Lolo has been using the potty to wee wee for about two weeks now. When she announces that she has to potty she insists that I sit on the toilet beside her. She gets quiet and looks up at me and says "Do you hear anything?" as she listens intently for the sweet sound of splashing piss stream. She will ask this about four times and then jump up and scream "I pee peed!!!"
Then she proceeds to rip to cushion off the potty and pull out the collection container and slosh her used apple juice all over the bathroom as she tries to pour it in the toilet. Now the walls and floor are coverd in Lolo piss and daddy gets to wipe it up.
I can't wait until she starts putting stink pickles in the potty.
The thing that really scares me is that Lolo knows the fucking golden arches!!!! Every time I drive by the local shit-food outlet she says "That is where I get happy meals." The wife and I sure as hell don't buy that garbage for her. Looks like I am going to have to get medieval on the grandparents.
My mother is getting me back for the torture I put her through. I picked up Lolo from her house yesterday and right before we got in the car she gave Lolo 3 Oreo cookies. By the time we reached home there was cream filling smeared on the back of the seats and a mixture of oreo cookie saliva paste and snot all over the car seat and Lolo's clothes.
Damn I must have been an evil little bastard.
8/11/2006
Do we really work at work?
Twins = twice the fun and little time for yourself (but I still find time to blog in the wee hours of the night). Atticus is still doing the feed for 25 minutes and sleep for 25 minutes thing. It appears as if that is about 12.5 minutes sleep for each of his chins. Adrienne slept for over 6 hours last night but saves up her poop for one big one every other day (Yay!)
Now that I have my baby blogging out of the way....
I was listening to a couple of retarded disc jockeys on a local station here and they were having people call in to talk about how few hours they actually work at work. It seems that there is a widespread virus of people who spend a good part of their day goofing off at work instead of being productive.
As a person responsible for a large number of people this doesn't completely surprise me but does distress me. I believe that for the most part my employees are hard working and don't goof as much as the perceived average discussed on that radio show. However, I do frequently catch several of my employees surfing the net when they should be assholes and elbows deep in a project or their regular work.
I have had to come down on a few employees because of this. I even caught one person surfing porn. I should have fired him on the spot but I really needed him at the time and he proved to be an excellent employee otherwise so I let him off with a warning. The rest of the offenders are well over sixty years old and female so I really don't think I need to worry about them surfing porn but maybe I should watch out for compulsive obituary reading.
The bottom line is that this behavior is actually stealing from the company. I pay a decent living wage and I expect them to give me their full attention when they are supposed to be at work.
So how many "productive" hours do you put in during a full workday?
8/09/2006
Morons Dining out on the sabbath
The opinion pages in our local paper have been kind of interesting lately. There are people in this town who go out to eat in restaurants on sundays and instead of leaving a monetary tip they leave a card that reads "Here is a tip: it is immoral to work on Sundays." A woman wrote to the paper saying that she gets at least one of these cards every time she works sundays. Of course there was not short supply of bible thumpers writing to the editor saying that they too refuse to leave money as tips on sundays.
Things like this get my brains boiling. Although I have never waited tables, I have always understood that waiting tables is a job where one depends on tips. I think most rational people understand this as well. The trouble starts with totally absurd interpretations of the bible.
If it is immoral to work on sunday then how is it moral to actually support those who do? Why go to a restaurant to eat with all those immoral people working there?
I guess if you were driving your car to church on sunday (a potentially imorral act in itself) and were broadsided by an immoral trucker delivering food to the grocery store, you should be left to die in your crumpled car because it is immoral for the EMT to come to your rescue. If somehow you were able to drag your closed minded ass out of your vehicle and an immoral power company employee on his way to restore power that keeps the heart and lung machines running at the hospital stops to give you a lift to the nearest emergency room, there would be no doctors at the hospital to treat you because it is a sin to work on sunday.
I would also have to assume that the preacher at church preaches for free every Sunday. No doubt that he preacher's contract stipulates that his or her compensation is only for Monday through Saturday. Also the assistant pastor, music director and janitor would be working gratis as well.
I have nothing against people who have blind faith from religious spirituality but I do have a lot against people who apply their blind faith as justification for hypocrisy. Living in the bible belt I see way too much of this.
I used to have this emblem on my car. A good many people had no clue as to the meaning. They didn't like my explanations either.
I could go on and on but I have to be fully awake in five hours and chances are that I will have to change a few diapers between now and then.
Things like this get my brains boiling. Although I have never waited tables, I have always understood that waiting tables is a job where one depends on tips. I think most rational people understand this as well. The trouble starts with totally absurd interpretations of the bible.
If it is immoral to work on sunday then how is it moral to actually support those who do? Why go to a restaurant to eat with all those immoral people working there?
I guess if you were driving your car to church on sunday (a potentially imorral act in itself) and were broadsided by an immoral trucker delivering food to the grocery store, you should be left to die in your crumpled car because it is immoral for the EMT to come to your rescue. If somehow you were able to drag your closed minded ass out of your vehicle and an immoral power company employee on his way to restore power that keeps the heart and lung machines running at the hospital stops to give you a lift to the nearest emergency room, there would be no doctors at the hospital to treat you because it is a sin to work on sunday.
I would also have to assume that the preacher at church preaches for free every Sunday. No doubt that he preacher's contract stipulates that his or her compensation is only for Monday through Saturday. Also the assistant pastor, music director and janitor would be working gratis as well.
I have nothing against people who have blind faith from religious spirituality but I do have a lot against people who apply their blind faith as justification for hypocrisy. Living in the bible belt I see way too much of this.
I used to have this emblem on my car. A good many people had no clue as to the meaning. They didn't like my explanations either.
I could go on and on but I have to be fully awake in five hours and chances are that I will have to change a few diapers between now and then.
8/02/2006
Random Thoughts
I am feeling kind of unispired today.
North Carolina just got the lottery earlier this year. People around here are going batshit over it. In my opinion the lottery is a tax on people who never had a statistics class. I'd rather waste money on something worthwhile like a nice bowl of vinegar ice cream.
Normally I consider myself a fence sitter when it comes to politics, but Bush is completely out of touch when it comes to his veto of the stem cell research bill. What would he do if one of his daughters lives could be saved as a result of federally funded stem-cell research?
Our soon-to-be nanny's best friend was brutally stabbed and shot to death by her husband in front of her three young children. I cannot imagine anything more horrible and unfair. There have been five murders in seven days in our small town that normally sees that number of murders in a year's time. Two of the other murders were committed by a young man who killed his father and his father's girlfriend because of the pressure he was getting to repay a $3000 debt.
Worker's comp fraud ignites passionate anger in me- especially since I have an employee who I believe is involved in it right now.
Religious fundamentalism (no matter what religion) and its interpretations scare the shit out of me. People who accept creationism and reject all the other solid evidence for evolution need to really sit down and think about this saying:
"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open"
North Carolina just got the lottery earlier this year. People around here are going batshit over it. In my opinion the lottery is a tax on people who never had a statistics class. I'd rather waste money on something worthwhile like a nice bowl of vinegar ice cream.
Normally I consider myself a fence sitter when it comes to politics, but Bush is completely out of touch when it comes to his veto of the stem cell research bill. What would he do if one of his daughters lives could be saved as a result of federally funded stem-cell research?
Our soon-to-be nanny's best friend was brutally stabbed and shot to death by her husband in front of her three young children. I cannot imagine anything more horrible and unfair. There have been five murders in seven days in our small town that normally sees that number of murders in a year's time. Two of the other murders were committed by a young man who killed his father and his father's girlfriend because of the pressure he was getting to repay a $3000 debt.
Worker's comp fraud ignites passionate anger in me- especially since I have an employee who I believe is involved in it right now.
Religious fundamentalism (no matter what religion) and its interpretations scare the shit out of me. People who accept creationism and reject all the other solid evidence for evolution need to really sit down and think about this saying:
"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open"
7/31/2006
I don't think so
We tried to coerce Lolo into cutting her toenails tonight. For some reason she is terrified of having them cut and thinks it will hurt.
Before bed we were trying to cut them and Lolo said "I want to go to bed with all my toenails"
Before bed we were trying to cut them and Lolo said "I want to go to bed with all my toenails"
7/30/2006
Milestones
I reached a significant milestone on my last post and failed to recognize it. My last post was my 69th post. Yay 69!
Lolo pooped in the potty for the first time in her life at Mimi's on Friday night. She also asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee while I was giving her a bath tonight. The question came out of the blue- I have no idea where she got that. But I sure as hell know where she got her new taste for Happy Meals. The wife and I don't feed her that shit. I guess that is the price of free childcare via parents.
Lolo says she doesn't like crabs.
I was rejected by the wife tonight.
So I am laying her on the sofa, er.. uh.. I mean my bed- watching TV and a commercial for Bowflex is on. It promises me pumped arms, ripped abs and legs of steel. Shit all I have to do is buy this miracle machine and work out for 20 minutes five days a week and I too will look like the dude on TV. I couldn't dial the phone fast enough.
The sad part about this is that the stupid commercials actually work. How many idiots are out there waiting to spend their hard-earned cash on that machine? The people who fall for those commercials are exactly the ones who do not need to be spending money on one of those machines. They need to get a personal trainer and a gymn membership and a little discipline to actually stick to a workout regimen.
Lolo pooped in the potty for the first time in her life at Mimi's on Friday night. She also asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee while I was giving her a bath tonight. The question came out of the blue- I have no idea where she got that. But I sure as hell know where she got her new taste for Happy Meals. The wife and I don't feed her that shit. I guess that is the price of free childcare via parents.
Lolo says she doesn't like crabs.
I was rejected by the wife tonight.
So I am laying her on the sofa, er.. uh.. I mean my bed- watching TV and a commercial for Bowflex is on. It promises me pumped arms, ripped abs and legs of steel. Shit all I have to do is buy this miracle machine and work out for 20 minutes five days a week and I too will look like the dude on TV. I couldn't dial the phone fast enough.
The sad part about this is that the stupid commercials actually work. How many idiots are out there waiting to spend their hard-earned cash on that machine? The people who fall for those commercials are exactly the ones who do not need to be spending money on one of those machines. They need to get a personal trainer and a gymn membership and a little discipline to actually stick to a workout regimen.
7/27/2006
Those are UDDERS dear!
I was reading a new book to Lolo tonight. It had cartoonish drawings of several cows in it. Lolo pointed to the picture of one cow with udders and said "Look daddy, that cow has four penises."
7/25/2006
Fighter Jet Crashes at Local Airport
A F-86 Sabre Korean War Vintage jet crashed on takeoff at the airport about 2 miles from my house. My thoughts go out to the late Mr. Fuller's family.
Is this turning into a Kiddie blog?
This is not turning into a Kiddie blog, it has been one. I guess that is all I have known for the past 2.5 years. Maybe one day my life will be interesting enough to produce material that has quality potential. Hmm. Maybe a trillion dollars in gold bullion will fly out of my ass.
Lolo now sings her ABCs with authority, loves to sing Twinkle, Twinkle, Yiddle Star and count objects to ten while understanding what she is doing.
She also has insisted on wearing pull ups and for the past two days has been peeing in the potty.
Whew.
The twins had their first round of shots today. They both went to sleep immediately after the shots- they must have been wasted from the Tylenol. I'm tellin' ya! Those two and their vices! First is was breastmilk now children's Tylenol.
Atticus weighs 12 lb 6 oz and had some foreskin adhesion. Adrienne weighs 11 lb 5 oz and has a labial adhesion. I can honestly say that I never thought I would use the word labial in a conversation much less a blog.
Know your victim
Note to self: If I ever give up my life of being a passive, non-violent and law abiding citizen and start to rob and mug people on a random basis, I might want to make sure I choose my victims wisely.
Don't mess with Thomas Autry
Don't mess with Thomas Autry
7/23/2006
Twins Ain't EASY
My wife is a freaking saint.
The twins are in a stage where they will only sleep about 20 minutes if you put them down otherwise they cry and cry. So if you want them to sleep and not cry you must either breastfeed them (not an option for me yet..... I am considering implants) or carry them. So the wife is constantly breastfeeding and sleeping with the two 8 week olds and her boobs are constantly store. Throw that in with a 2 1/2 year old who needs constant attention to keep her from using her poop as Play Doh and you have two adults who are pretty much delerious and quickly getting to the point of blown synaptic syndrome.
This too shall pass.
I was out of the country all last week for work (translation- I get a vacation and the wife has more of a challenge) and the wife went to my parents house to stay. Thank Venus for the parental units being close by. But the built-in baby sittters have a significant cost as well- the guests sanity. Living with my mom and dad is enough to make Bush bring the troops home from Iraq.
I might as well give up the getting lucky part. There is always next year. Getting all three chillins to sleep at the same time is kind of like a manned mission to Mars- it will happen one day but who the fuck knows when?
To make the day better I slammed my foot into the high chair and broke my toe.
This too shall pass.
Adrienne wasted on breastmilk
Atticus wasted on breastmilk
7/06/2006
If I Don't Use It Will It Fall Off?
Now that the twins have settled into the routine of sleeping in my queen bed with the wife there pretty much is no room for me- especially if I am actually going to get sleep. So I spend my nightly horizontal unconscious time on the sofa.
So let's review.
Six week old twins
Two year old daughter
Wife breastfeeding twins
Twins sleep in bed with wife
I sleep on sofa
In another seven months or so when I attempt to put an end to my career as a professional abstainer I am not even sure if I will have functioning parts. Unless I get a test run beforehand I guess I will have to take my chances.
I wonder if I can get a free pass for another roller coaster?
I wonder if the wife will mind?
Question to self: "What color is the sky in your world?"
7/05/2006
My Favorite Sound (besides my children's laughter)
If you have ever been to the south (western NC, upper SC, northern GA) you will recognize this. It is pretty much my favorite sound. What might sound like hiss is a sweet rummer rain shower. Things can get really peaceful around here when Lolo and the twins are asleep.
The sport of Extreme Childrearing
Lolo now can take off all her clothes except for her shirt for her bath. The other night in the tub she sang twinkle-twinkle little star all the way through. She also loves to sing the theme song to Miffy (that minimalistic bunny without a mouth toes or fingers that can grasp paint brushes). Her version goes like this:
"Miiiiiiiiiiiiiifffffyyyyy sweet yittul bunny, Miiiiiiiify smart yittul bunny"
Today I was reading "Snap, button, zip" to Lolo and when it got to the button part where she had to put the big button through the buttonhole (a practice book for buttoning a coat) she was not able to do it and got really pissed off and screamed "It's so frustrating!" I had no idea she knew such a big word and understood the context! I know that she got that one from her mother- the queen of impatience.
The wife was at home all day by herself with the twins and Lolo. She seemed to have a pretty good day until I got home- that is when both the twins became very fussy.
By the way, I am having to sell our awesome Volvo to afford the Expedition we just bought. I can't even put into words how awesome this car is- just not big enough for the fam damily. If anyone wants a great car please step up!!
"Miiiiiiiiiiiiiifffffyyyyy sweet yittul bunny, Miiiiiiiify smart yittul bunny"
Today I was reading "Snap, button, zip" to Lolo and when it got to the button part where she had to put the big button through the buttonhole (a practice book for buttoning a coat) she was not able to do it and got really pissed off and screamed "It's so frustrating!" I had no idea she knew such a big word and understood the context! I know that she got that one from her mother- the queen of impatience.
The wife was at home all day by herself with the twins and Lolo. She seemed to have a pretty good day until I got home- that is when both the twins became very fussy.
By the way, I am having to sell our awesome Volvo to afford the Expedition we just bought. I can't even put into words how awesome this car is- just not big enough for the fam damily. If anyone wants a great car please step up!!
7/04/2006
Zoo and Misc Stuff
Okay I look drunk in this picture, but really I am still reeling from the impact of having twins and I just had thought about how much two weddings will cost in another 35 years (one year after the age both of my daughters will start dating).
Today we took Lolo and the twins to the local Zoo. Lolo had a blast feeding the giraffe and camels. She really liked the camel with two humps. Normally I like two humps as well but I will probably have to wait until the twins get out of my bed for that to happen.
I am not real thrilled with this local zoo which is really a farm that has exotic animals. Most of them are caged and don't have a lot of room to move. I think in a way it is cruel. It was just too damn hot at the zoo for the twins so we didn't stay long.
The twins are becoming more and more alert. Atticus is the more fussy of the two. They are both breastfeeding and bottlefeeding since the wife thinks she does not make enough milk for both of them.
Now the wife is letting me sleep through the night every night. She is taking them to bed with her and rolling from one side to the other all night to feed them both.
Lolo is still not showing signs of potty training. She still requests to inspect her brown diaper artwork at every change. We hope that will change soon since she is now enrolled in a summer pre-school program and will have peers that actually don't poop in their pants.
Lolo didn't have school this week due to the 4th holiday. It sure is tough on the wife to have all three at home with no help. We must find her some help during the week when it is her vs. the three chillins (or youngerns as the folks around the parts say).
We (the whole family) made a trip to Target on Sunday. What a freaking ordeal. I made the mistake of taking Lolo out of the shopping cart. She immediately started pulling shit off the racks and throwing it on the floor (did I expect andything different?). Trying to get her back in the shopping cart was no easy feat and involved screaming, whining and crying. When we got to checkout, Lolo decided to lose her shyness and talked to the cashier for about five minutes. She told her about how she was going to the beach. The cashier asked her when and Lolo replied "I'm going to the beach in August" It was like she was acutally having a conversation. I like to think that this means she is really advanced for her age of 2.5 years.
Happy 4th of July!
6/28/2006
Smells of Infancy
My wife commented today that our 5 week old son smells like the inside of a very ripe plaster cast that has been on a broken limb for about 2 months.
Maybe he needs a bath.
Maybe he needs a bath.
Strep attacks Lolo
Lolo woke up this morning at 6:00 am with a 103 degree fever. She was supposed to go to her summer preschool program today but the fever nixed that and she went to stay with the mother-in-law. The fever continued so the wife took Lolo to the doctor while the mother-in-law stayed with the twins.
Diagnosis: Streptococcus pyogenes, or group A beta-hemolytic streptococcus also known as strep throat.
So now Lolo stays with the in-laws because she is very contagious and it would be a very bad thing for the twins to get strep throat.
Work is still there.
When I kiss Lolo goodbye in the mornings she usually asks "Daddy, you going to make some money?" I try but it seems to disappear faster than I make it for some reason.
Diagnosis: Streptococcus pyogenes, or group A beta-hemolytic streptococcus also known as strep throat.
So now Lolo stays with the in-laws because she is very contagious and it would be a very bad thing for the twins to get strep throat.
Work is still there.
When I kiss Lolo goodbye in the mornings she usually asks "Daddy, you going to make some money?" I try but it seems to disappear faster than I make it for some reason.
6/25/2006
The reason I have difficulty saying no
Today was the first time our entire fambly of five made it out of the house all together. We might as well have choreographed the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.
6/23/2006
No REM for me.
Twins aren't sleeping very well. Parents are at hallucinatory threshold from sleep deprivation. We will will this battle.
6/22/2006
My daughter is a goose
My daughter morphs into a goose when breastfeeding. If you don't believe me check it out.
Honking Milk Sucker
Honking Milk Sucker
6/21/2006
Awake enough to type
I am not sure if I am awake enough to type or not. The twins are not sleeping very well this week and the attention required between them and Lolo is pretty damn challenging. We have enrolled Lolo in a school for 3 days a week that lasts from 9:00 am to 1:00 pm so the wife gets somewhat of a break during those hours. I don't see how she does it. We need to praise the women in our lives! Raising children with the husband working full time is not a cakewalk.
Atticus projectile shat the other day. I heard all this commotion and I ran into the nursery to find the wife standing there holding his feet up in the air with a slosh of green sludge that stretched from the source to the changing table, across the wipes, the diaper trash and onto the opposite wall. I had no idea that such a little colon could hold such destructive force. It was quite entertaining.
Since Lolo has been spending a lot of time with the in-laws (Mimi and PawPaw) she is starting to pick up their dialect. My inlaws are the best people in the world and I love them dearly. The way they talk has absolutely nothing to do with their integrity or education. However, their dialect of English kind of has me puzzled.
Syllables multiply like rabbits in their speech. For example, most of us go to sleep in a bed. They pronounce the sleeping place as "bayud". The talking horse is not Ed but "Ayud". The green stuff that grows on the ground in the shade is not moss but "maws". If you get kicked in the shin your leg is not sore it is "sower". The fibrous material that grows on top of your "hayud" is "hayer". So you get the picture. I could go on and on.
Well now my daughter has picked up this speech and it really shouldn't bother me, but I would prefer it if my daughter would speak more in my dialect (a little less country). I consistently give my wife hell about it since she slips into that dialect very easily (especially when she is with her parents). The bottom line... one should not judge others by the color of their skin, sex, religion, sexual orientation, and most certainly not the way they talk. However judging others by political affiliation is allowed but that is another post.
My conversation with Lolo today on the drive home:
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds
Lolo: Ohhhhhhh............ pauses.... Daddy.
Me: Yes dear
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds.
Lolo: Where is the moon?
Me: Behind the clouds.
Lolo: Where are the stars?
Me: Behind the clouds.
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds
Lolo: Here daddy (holding out her thumb and index finger pressed together) you want my boogie?
Me: No, mommy wants your boogie. Give it to her when we get home.
Atticus projectile shat the other day. I heard all this commotion and I ran into the nursery to find the wife standing there holding his feet up in the air with a slosh of green sludge that stretched from the source to the changing table, across the wipes, the diaper trash and onto the opposite wall. I had no idea that such a little colon could hold such destructive force. It was quite entertaining.
Since Lolo has been spending a lot of time with the in-laws (Mimi and PawPaw) she is starting to pick up their dialect. My inlaws are the best people in the world and I love them dearly. The way they talk has absolutely nothing to do with their integrity or education. However, their dialect of English kind of has me puzzled.
Syllables multiply like rabbits in their speech. For example, most of us go to sleep in a bed. They pronounce the sleeping place as "bayud". The talking horse is not Ed but "Ayud". The green stuff that grows on the ground in the shade is not moss but "maws". If you get kicked in the shin your leg is not sore it is "sower". The fibrous material that grows on top of your "hayud" is "hayer". So you get the picture. I could go on and on.
Well now my daughter has picked up this speech and it really shouldn't bother me, but I would prefer it if my daughter would speak more in my dialect (a little less country). I consistently give my wife hell about it since she slips into that dialect very easily (especially when she is with her parents). The bottom line... one should not judge others by the color of their skin, sex, religion, sexual orientation, and most certainly not the way they talk. However judging others by political affiliation is allowed but that is another post.
My conversation with Lolo today on the drive home:
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds
Lolo: Ohhhhhhh............ pauses.... Daddy.
Me: Yes dear
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds.
Lolo: Where is the moon?
Me: Behind the clouds.
Lolo: Where are the stars?
Me: Behind the clouds.
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds
Lolo: Here daddy (holding out her thumb and index finger pressed together) you want my boogie?
Me: No, mommy wants your boogie. Give it to her when we get home.
6/10/2006
Twin Update
Adrienne (left) and Atticus (right) are doing well. The wife now has them on the same feeding schedule- one on each boob simultaneously. They eat, burp, poop and then sleep. Repeat every two to three hours. The wife acutally did not wake me up at all the past two nights. Since they are breastfed babies about all I can do is change them and lend moral support. She was very kind to let me sleep, but she certainly isn't getting enough sleep.
Lolo (the 2.5 yr old) absolutely loves "her" babies. She wants to hold them all the time and kiss them- especially after she has been playing in her poopie.
So it looks like the three aren't going to fit so well in the Volvo stationwagon so I am car shopping. Also I am trying to get unburied from work. As if!!!
5/26/2006
Twins have arrived!
The twins were pulled into this world, both by their feet on 5/25/06.
They are: Adrienne Christine - 7:30 am - 7 lb 1 oz (L) and Atticus Arthur - 7:31 am - 7 lb 2 oz (R)
Both are big and healthy and already nursing regularly. I am nodding off to sleep as I type this.
They are: Adrienne Christine - 7:30 am - 7 lb 1 oz (L) and Atticus Arthur - 7:31 am - 7 lb 2 oz (R)
Both are big and healthy and already nursing regularly. I am nodding off to sleep as I type this.
5/23/2006
When it rains....
Let me summarize the physical conditions of the members of my immediate family:
Daughter - cough, congestion, ear infection, diarrhea.
Wife - cough, congestion, conjunctivitus (both eyes), feet swollen, ankles swollen, face swollen, back hurts, abdomen hurts, pissed off that the twins are not born yet.
The Fid - sinus infection, cough from hell that never ends and enough snot to foam a runway for a crash landing.
Now if we can all get healthy in one day before the twins arrive.
Jupiter help us!!
Daughter - cough, congestion, ear infection, diarrhea.
Wife - cough, congestion, conjunctivitus (both eyes), feet swollen, ankles swollen, face swollen, back hurts, abdomen hurts, pissed off that the twins are not born yet.
The Fid - sinus infection, cough from hell that never ends and enough snot to foam a runway for a crash landing.
Now if we can all get healthy in one day before the twins arrive.
Jupiter help us!!
5/21/2006
Lo, the time is drawing near.
Only four full days until the twins are not gently removed from the wife's uterus through a below-the-bikini-line incision. Thank Dionysus I am not a woman! These pregnancy hormones are getting pretty wild- the thermostat is set on 60 and I am not going to be able to afford reconstructive surgury for my frostbitten extremities.
The daughter actually asked to go to bed tonight at 7:30 pm (as opposed to being forced complete with whining and kicking and screaming) . There must be some sort of interstellar phenomenon like all the planets lined up or maybe 69 supernovae simultaneously exploded.
One sign of normalcy for the daughter was her instance of removing her socks and shoes to check for toe jam- "Daddy, see toes... toe jam" and requesting to "see poopie" while I was changing her second soiled diaper of the day.
The daughter actually asked to go to bed tonight at 7:30 pm (as opposed to being forced complete with whining and kicking and screaming) . There must be some sort of interstellar phenomenon like all the planets lined up or maybe 69 supernovae simultaneously exploded.
One sign of normalcy for the daughter was her instance of removing her socks and shoes to check for toe jam- "Daddy, see toes... toe jam" and requesting to "see poopie" while I was changing her second soiled diaper of the day.
5/15/2006
The house of phlegm
The daughter came down with an ear infection then a full blown cold and graciously passed the cold to me.
The wife has 10 days left till the twins arrive and the last thing she needs is to be sick. I need to be better by the time the screamers join us.
It looks like I will be borrowing about $1.5 million to finance the partial buyout of the company I am running. That is pretty fucking scary.
If you need any mucus or snot, I've got plenty.
The wife has 10 days left till the twins arrive and the last thing she needs is to be sick. I need to be better by the time the screamers join us.
It looks like I will be borrowing about $1.5 million to finance the partial buyout of the company I am running. That is pretty fucking scary.
If you need any mucus or snot, I've got plenty.
5/14/2006
Knowledge sponge
I was reading a book to Lolo last night. It is an elmo book that has a page with the letters of the alphabet. Each letter is on a block and each block has a fold down flap that reveals something that starts with the letter on the block. I always sing the alphabet to her when I get to this page. I realized that she knows the entire alphabet- at least she can sing it. She can't recognize all the letters yet but she can tell me Z, L, O, and X are when I point to them and ask what letters they are.
Obviously she is brilliant and far advanced just like her dad.
Lolo is at the in-laws today. She wound up at the doctor yesterday with her first earache. The doctor threw her on amoxocillan. She was screaming incessantly for a while yesterday and it caused the 8 month pregnant wife to come undone.
The wife is suffering- swollen ankles and feet and generally feeling like shit- she is ready to get those two babies out of her. She will have to wait until the 25th.
What I got done today:
1. Took Lolo to meet her grandparents
2. Purchased birthday present for a 3 year old kid whose birthday party we are attending tomorrow.
3. Purchased ink for the inkjet printer.
4. Purchased card and gift certificate for massage, manicure and pedicure for the wife for Mother's day
5. Purchased 2 hanging baskets for my mother and the mother-in-law for mother's day.
6. Took plastic and glass recycling to the recycling center
7. Carried all the groceries upstairs from the garage
8. Planted 11 Hosta plants along the walkway in the back yard.
9. Scrubbed the hot-tub cover.
10. Dug a trench to lay new drain pipe for gutter drains.
11. Cleaned out the pond and the fountain pump.
12. Replaced the walkway lights.
13. Watched the new King-Kong movie- disappointing- only good thing about the movie is the special effects.
Damn I'm tired.
Obviously she is brilliant and far advanced just like her dad.
Lolo is at the in-laws today. She wound up at the doctor yesterday with her first earache. The doctor threw her on amoxocillan. She was screaming incessantly for a while yesterday and it caused the 8 month pregnant wife to come undone.
The wife is suffering- swollen ankles and feet and generally feeling like shit- she is ready to get those two babies out of her. She will have to wait until the 25th.
What I got done today:
1. Took Lolo to meet her grandparents
2. Purchased birthday present for a 3 year old kid whose birthday party we are attending tomorrow.
3. Purchased ink for the inkjet printer.
4. Purchased card and gift certificate for massage, manicure and pedicure for the wife for Mother's day
5. Purchased 2 hanging baskets for my mother and the mother-in-law for mother's day.
6. Took plastic and glass recycling to the recycling center
7. Carried all the groceries upstairs from the garage
8. Planted 11 Hosta plants along the walkway in the back yard.
9. Scrubbed the hot-tub cover.
10. Dug a trench to lay new drain pipe for gutter drains.
11. Cleaned out the pond and the fountain pump.
12. Replaced the walkway lights.
13. Watched the new King-Kong movie- disappointing- only good thing about the movie is the special effects.
Damn I'm tired.
5/11/2006
Public displays of Potty Mouth
Today the wife took Lolo with her to the local medical supply company to rent the breast pump that will releave her swollen breasts of vast amounts of mommy milk over the next six to nine months.
Store attendant to Lolo:
"What a pretty girl you are! What is your name?"
Lolo:
"Wundone Fidwer"
Store attendant:
"That's a pretty name."
Lolo:
"My poopie is GREEEEEEEEEEEN"
The wife withered in embarrasment.
So is $1300 to much to spend on a swingset? I think it is but I will be giving in to the wife and laying out the bucks. I wonder if I would have any success in moonlighting as a gigilo?
14 Days to go until twin time!!!
Store attendant to Lolo:
"What a pretty girl you are! What is your name?"
Lolo:
"Wundone Fidwer"
Store attendant:
"That's a pretty name."
Lolo:
"My poopie is GREEEEEEEEEEEN"
The wife withered in embarrasment.
So is $1300 to much to spend on a swingset? I think it is but I will be giving in to the wife and laying out the bucks. I wonder if I would have any success in moonlighting as a gigilo?
14 Days to go until twin time!!!
4/26/2006
All Play and no Work Makes the Fid a poor boy
You see, it has seemed like all work- and when it seems that way it means that you don't enjoy what you are doing enough.
I can change that though. I am trying to hire a Controller to take away the financial compilation functions of my job.
Also I am in the process of getting proforma statements put together to take to the bank in order to investigate the potential of obtaining a loan in order to buy out the other owners of the business I am running. Exciting to me but urine fodder to everyone else.
The countdown is on- only 29 more days until the screaming duo arrives to take away my sleep and what is left of my sanity - but I wouldn't have it any other way
I can change that though. I am trying to hire a Controller to take away the financial compilation functions of my job.
Also I am in the process of getting proforma statements put together to take to the bank in order to investigate the potential of obtaining a loan in order to buy out the other owners of the business I am running. Exciting to me but urine fodder to everyone else.
The countdown is on- only 29 more days until the screaming duo arrives to take away my sleep and what is left of my sanity - but I wouldn't have it any other way
4/23/2006
The Bachelor Party without the Bachelor
I just got back from a bachelor party for my buddy Jim whose fiance would not let him go. I still can't understand this. We are not the kind of guys that will go out and actually have sex with prostitutes and everyone who knows us and knows Jim realizes this. The only thing we would do is make him drink too much, take him to a strip club, pay girls ridiculouss amounts of money to wag their breastss in his face and go home and pass out. So what the fuck is she so worried about? Relationships without trust are doomed.
So since most of us already had hall passes from our wives, we proceeded with the bachelor party without Jim and had a fucking blast. We bought a blow-up doll and dressed it as Jim and took it with us everywhere.
Here we are with Jim before going out for the evening
Here is Jim charming the Hooters girls.
So we had a blast with Jim even though he wasn't there.
Let me go on about this marriage for my buddy. He is 38, works retail (not a lot of money), slightly overweight, and kind of unsure of himself when it comes to women. So when his fiance came along he figured he better strike while the iron is hot. She has no job and has moved in with Jim. He is paying her car payment ($400 per month) and her medical insurance ($300 per month) plus his mortgage, the groceries for both of them, etc. etc.
She is 30 and ready to have children. Jim is on shaky grounds at his job and thinks he might be fired. Jim is heading into a lot of shit when she gets pregnant and if he loses his job.
The positives??? She has helped him out by getting him to stop smoking and to drink much less. Granted she has been a positive influence on him in that manner but he just isn't being himself or being honest to himself.
Nothing I can do but sit back and watch him make what I consider to be a mistake. I just want him to be happy and I have my doubts that he can be happy with this woman because I have known him since third grade and I know who he is and what kind of person he is.
Good luck Jim- we miss you.
So since most of us already had hall passes from our wives, we proceeded with the bachelor party without Jim and had a fucking blast. We bought a blow-up doll and dressed it as Jim and took it with us everywhere.
Here we are with Jim before going out for the evening
Here is Jim charming the Hooters girls.
So we had a blast with Jim even though he wasn't there.
Let me go on about this marriage for my buddy. He is 38, works retail (not a lot of money), slightly overweight, and kind of unsure of himself when it comes to women. So when his fiance came along he figured he better strike while the iron is hot. She has no job and has moved in with Jim. He is paying her car payment ($400 per month) and her medical insurance ($300 per month) plus his mortgage, the groceries for both of them, etc. etc.
She is 30 and ready to have children. Jim is on shaky grounds at his job and thinks he might be fired. Jim is heading into a lot of shit when she gets pregnant and if he loses his job.
The positives??? She has helped him out by getting him to stop smoking and to drink much less. Granted she has been a positive influence on him in that manner but he just isn't being himself or being honest to himself.
Nothing I can do but sit back and watch him make what I consider to be a mistake. I just want him to be happy and I have my doubts that he can be happy with this woman because I have known him since third grade and I know who he is and what kind of person he is.
Good luck Jim- we miss you.
4/18/2006
Another Day in the life of a Premenopausal two year old
Like most days I worked until about 6:30 and made it home around 7:00. From 7:00 to about 8:30 this is how I spend my time:
Lolo greets met at top of stairs and then runs away from me screaming "catch me" . I follow and run her up and down the hall for about 10 minutes
Lolo stops to watch the Max and Ruby DVD that mommy bought for her
Lolo refuses to stop watching Max and Ruby DVD for dinnertime.
Lolo kicks, screams and cries when I try to put her in her high chair.
Lolo gets her way and sits on my lap insists on feeding me rice using a fork and the majority of my food ends up on the floor.
Lolo spills ice cream all over her Vail tshirt that I painstakingly picked out in Vail last year.
Lolo says "no wash hair tonight" after being told that it was bath time.
While I am drawing a bath, Lolo runs underneath Mommy's big belly and hides from me.
Lolo cries when I force her to let me wet, wash and rinse her hair.
Lolo stands up in bathtub and urinates.
Lolo insists on holding scorching hot hair dryer and brush while I am trying to dry her hair.
Lolo refuses to brush her teeth and runs out of the bathroom naked, stops in the middle of the carpeted hall and empties the rest of her bladder.
Lolo kicks and screams when I pick her up to clean her again and install a diaper.
Lolo flails feet trying to kick me when I attempt to apply athlete's foot medication and install shitbag.
Lolo refuses to let me read a bedtime story to her by telling me "No, Daddy read by self."
Lolo picks up her mug with apple juice/allergy medicine mixture and takes two sips before pouring the remainder on the carpet at her feet.
Lolo cries for mommy and wants me to take her to mommy so she can "Hug Kiss" good night.
Lolo sees Hello Kitty band aids laying on dresser and begins hyper-decibel onslaught of screams for "boo-boos" as she calls them.
I give her two "boo-boos" and she calms enough for me to put her in crib.
As I tell her good-night and turn out light Lolo requests "Daddy, juice"
I get her a few more sips of juice with her favorite worm-bendy straw and she drinks them down with the speed of a sloth chewing peanut butter.
As I once again try to exit the room she says "Daddy, take away straw"
As I am closing the door she tries her last stall tactic muttering something about daddy helping with her boo-boos and I ignore her and close the door.
Silence.... and she is still asleep at 10:00!!!!
On top of all of this we think she is getting the chicken pox.
But how can I be mad at this mug!!
Lolo greets met at top of stairs and then runs away from me screaming "catch me" . I follow and run her up and down the hall for about 10 minutes
Lolo stops to watch the Max and Ruby DVD that mommy bought for her
Lolo refuses to stop watching Max and Ruby DVD for dinnertime.
Lolo kicks, screams and cries when I try to put her in her high chair.
Lolo gets her way and sits on my lap insists on feeding me rice using a fork and the majority of my food ends up on the floor.
Lolo spills ice cream all over her Vail tshirt that I painstakingly picked out in Vail last year.
Lolo says "no wash hair tonight" after being told that it was bath time.
While I am drawing a bath, Lolo runs underneath Mommy's big belly and hides from me.
Lolo cries when I force her to let me wet, wash and rinse her hair.
Lolo stands up in bathtub and urinates.
Lolo insists on holding scorching hot hair dryer and brush while I am trying to dry her hair.
Lolo refuses to brush her teeth and runs out of the bathroom naked, stops in the middle of the carpeted hall and empties the rest of her bladder.
Lolo kicks and screams when I pick her up to clean her again and install a diaper.
Lolo flails feet trying to kick me when I attempt to apply athlete's foot medication and install shitbag.
Lolo refuses to let me read a bedtime story to her by telling me "No, Daddy read by self."
Lolo picks up her mug with apple juice/allergy medicine mixture and takes two sips before pouring the remainder on the carpet at her feet.
Lolo cries for mommy and wants me to take her to mommy so she can "Hug Kiss" good night.
Lolo sees Hello Kitty band aids laying on dresser and begins hyper-decibel onslaught of screams for "boo-boos" as she calls them.
I give her two "boo-boos" and she calms enough for me to put her in crib.
As I tell her good-night and turn out light Lolo requests "Daddy, juice"
I get her a few more sips of juice with her favorite worm-bendy straw and she drinks them down with the speed of a sloth chewing peanut butter.
As I once again try to exit the room she says "Daddy, take away straw"
As I am closing the door she tries her last stall tactic muttering something about daddy helping with her boo-boos and I ignore her and close the door.
Silence.... and she is still asleep at 10:00!!!!
On top of all of this we think she is getting the chicken pox.
But how can I be mad at this mug!!
4/17/2006
Keep telling yourself- "It is worth the torture"
Seven (that is seven for those of you counting at home) months of no sex from the wife (due to a tenuous twins pregnancy). Thank Venus (another one of my gods) my hands aren't broken and as so I won't have to find out if death is an outcome of sperm buildup.
No more pregnancies for me- after this one it won't be worth the sexual void.
No more pregnancies for me- after this one it won't be worth the sexual void.
4/16/2006
Sugar in the Bed Makes LoLo a Sweet Girl
Up to this point I have feigned opportunities to mention my loved one's by name lest someone out there recognizes me and secretly plots to destroy my family. But we can now call the daughter Lolo.
Lolo refused to take a nap today upon arriving home after a round of tortuous car-shopping. Thus she was really tired a cranky. After smearing spaghetti all over her entire body during spaghetti rasslin (a.k.a dinner) I gave Lolo a bath in order for the amusement of turning the bathwater a slight tinge of red (Jesus ain't the only one who can change the color of water).
So bedtime finds Lolo really tired and if you don't know how much fun two year olds are when they are really tired please switch lives with me. Pretty please. Lolo refused to sit on my lap for her bedtime story and spied a bag with hearts all over it on top of her dresser. I had no clue what was in the bag but she sure did. After tantrum #37 I pulled the bag down and gave it to the violent flurry of limbs flailing and pounding the carpet at my feet.
Alas in the bag was a tootsie-pop or kiddie cocaine as I like to call it. She cradled the unopened tootsie pop in her arms like a gallon jug of nitroglycerine and looked at me with those piercing teary eyes and said "Daddy, don't take away. Please Daddy don't take away." Little miss manipulation continued her pleas over and over again until I relented and put her in the crib with the unopened tootsie pop. I figured the worst that could happen is that she choke in her sleep on it. So being the caring dad I am I left her with the tootsie pop and promised myself to check on her ever 3 minutes and shuffled out of the room with Lolo saying "Nite nite Daddy."
After about 10 minutes I went back into the room and approached the crib slowly. When I got to the crib she threw up her hand wielding the almost whole tootsie pop like a victory torch and said "Daddy, take away." Apparently she had her fill of sugar for the minute. As I took it out of her hands she said "hands sticky, daddy. Lolo lick not bite sucker, Lolo lick not bite daddy." Her mother has taught her well that a tootsie roll can last more than two licks.
And so was my manipulation for the day.
Lolo refused to take a nap today upon arriving home after a round of tortuous car-shopping. Thus she was really tired a cranky. After smearing spaghetti all over her entire body during spaghetti rasslin (a.k.a dinner) I gave Lolo a bath in order for the amusement of turning the bathwater a slight tinge of red (Jesus ain't the only one who can change the color of water).
So bedtime finds Lolo really tired and if you don't know how much fun two year olds are when they are really tired please switch lives with me. Pretty please. Lolo refused to sit on my lap for her bedtime story and spied a bag with hearts all over it on top of her dresser. I had no clue what was in the bag but she sure did. After tantrum #37 I pulled the bag down and gave it to the violent flurry of limbs flailing and pounding the carpet at my feet.
Alas in the bag was a tootsie-pop or kiddie cocaine as I like to call it. She cradled the unopened tootsie pop in her arms like a gallon jug of nitroglycerine and looked at me with those piercing teary eyes and said "Daddy, don't take away. Please Daddy don't take away." Little miss manipulation continued her pleas over and over again until I relented and put her in the crib with the unopened tootsie pop. I figured the worst that could happen is that she choke in her sleep on it. So being the caring dad I am I left her with the tootsie pop and promised myself to check on her ever 3 minutes and shuffled out of the room with Lolo saying "Nite nite Daddy."
After about 10 minutes I went back into the room and approached the crib slowly. When I got to the crib she threw up her hand wielding the almost whole tootsie pop like a victory torch and said "Daddy, take away." Apparently she had her fill of sugar for the minute. As I took it out of her hands she said "hands sticky, daddy. Lolo lick not bite sucker, Lolo lick not bite daddy." Her mother has taught her well that a tootsie roll can last more than two licks.
And so was my manipulation for the day.
4/14/2006
Foot Fetish Female vs. Poopie
The daughter still has a thing for toe cheese- so much so that she now has athlete's foot. We had to get a prescription antifungal medication to get this problem under control. I really don't want to know where she puts those feet. She also still has her see poopie fetish as well along with a new hobby of killing ants.
Finally got the financials completely straightened out and things look really good for this fiscal year (ends Aug 31) I am going to need this excellent performance and the resulting bonus because the wife is looking at new houses. I guess a 1700 sqft house is not big enough for a family of five.
So we are proceeding with this bachelor party for my testicleless friend without him. We are heading to the beach for my second bachelor party in two weeks. I think I better leave my wallet at home.
Finally got the financials completely straightened out and things look really good for this fiscal year (ends Aug 31) I am going to need this excellent performance and the resulting bonus because the wife is looking at new houses. I guess a 1700 sqft house is not big enough for a family of five.
So we are proceeding with this bachelor party for my testicleless friend without him. We are heading to the beach for my second bachelor party in two weeks. I think I better leave my wallet at home.
4/10/2006
The Fid's Words of Wisdom
When in a titty bar never, ever let a stripper see you use the camera function of a camera cell phone.
3/29/2006
Daddy Get your ass HOME!
Just got back in town from business trip to Ohio tonight. Had a blast in Columbus and got some business flowing, but don't kid myself- no one really cares about that shit. Hung out in the Char Bar last night for about 4 hours just shooting the shit and drinking Guiness on Draught in a vain attempt to put heart my back into arrhythmia. Columbus is a cool city- enjoyed my time there and am ready to go back any time. If you go- visit the Char-Bar- hole in the wall but a blast.
It was good to get home to see the extremely pregnant wife who found out today that she does not have gestational diabetes- thank Jupiter (one of my gods). Nevertheless, the doctor suspects that the birth will happen well before the scheduled May 25 c-section.
One of my best friends is getting married June 10 at the ripe young age of 38. Got engaged about two weeks ago. This is the kind of guy that has always been a partier, easy going, laid back, slow moving, not-much-bothers me kind of guy. Now he has done a 360. I like his fiance but she is wayyy too controlling for him and I am concerned about his future.
This is the same guy that got so wasted that he forgot which bedroom was his in our condo and crawled into bed with my buddy's topless sleeping wife while we were still up late night partying in another condo. Both of them had no idea the other was there until my friend came to me and said "who the fuck is in bed with my wife?" I pulled back the covers to reveal the bare fat ass of my friend. Needless to say, that didn't go over very well.
This is the same guy who got so wasted at my wedding that he locked himself out of his own townhouse, use a ladder to crawl in his bedroom's second story window, fall on the floor and make enough noise to wake up the neighbors who looked outside and saw the ladder against the wall and called the cops to report a robbery in progress. Then this drunk moron pulls off all his clothes and passes out on his bed.
The three police who responded (including two female officers) found the wasted blubberboy passed out on the bed and had to get the neighbor to positively identify him as not an intruder but the actual homeowner.
Wasted boy woke up in the morning sprawled out on his bed with a cop's business card on his bear chest as the only clue to circumstances out-of-the-ordinary.
Okay, so this guy is now so freaking whipped that he is majorly worried that his fiance will totally freak out that I am going to throw him a bachelor party.
The daughter is starting to talk on the phone now- I guess it is easier than learning to poop in the potty. She wants to call gam-ma and mimi and pop pop and paw paw (monther, mother-in-law, father, father-in-law, respectively). Damn I miss her when I am out of town.
It was good to get home to see the extremely pregnant wife who found out today that she does not have gestational diabetes- thank Jupiter (one of my gods). Nevertheless, the doctor suspects that the birth will happen well before the scheduled May 25 c-section.
One of my best friends is getting married June 10 at the ripe young age of 38. Got engaged about two weeks ago. This is the kind of guy that has always been a partier, easy going, laid back, slow moving, not-much-bothers me kind of guy. Now he has done a 360. I like his fiance but she is wayyy too controlling for him and I am concerned about his future.
This is the same guy that got so wasted that he forgot which bedroom was his in our condo and crawled into bed with my buddy's topless sleeping wife while we were still up late night partying in another condo. Both of them had no idea the other was there until my friend came to me and said "who the fuck is in bed with my wife?" I pulled back the covers to reveal the bare fat ass of my friend. Needless to say, that didn't go over very well.
This is the same guy who got so wasted at my wedding that he locked himself out of his own townhouse, use a ladder to crawl in his bedroom's second story window, fall on the floor and make enough noise to wake up the neighbors who looked outside and saw the ladder against the wall and called the cops to report a robbery in progress. Then this drunk moron pulls off all his clothes and passes out on his bed.
The three police who responded (including two female officers) found the wasted blubberboy passed out on the bed and had to get the neighbor to positively identify him as not an intruder but the actual homeowner.
Wasted boy woke up in the morning sprawled out on his bed with a cop's business card on his bear chest as the only clue to circumstances out-of-the-ordinary.
Okay, so this guy is now so freaking whipped that he is majorly worried that his fiance will totally freak out that I am going to throw him a bachelor party.
The daughter is starting to talk on the phone now- I guess it is easier than learning to poop in the potty. She wants to call gam-ma and mimi and pop pop and paw paw (monther, mother-in-law, father, father-in-law, respectively). Damn I miss her when I am out of town.
3/19/2006
Not Guilty as Charged
Yesterday I was changing the daughter's shitbag. She laid on her back and pulled her foot up to get a closer look between her toes. She is obsessed with looking between her toes. She looked up at me and said "Daddy like toe cheese."
She pissed in the potty again today after several months messing her diaper. Maybe she will be potty trained by May 25 when the twins are supposed to arrive but I am not holding my breath.
She pissed in the potty again today after several months messing her diaper. Maybe she will be potty trained by May 25 when the twins are supposed to arrive but I am not holding my breath.
3/12/2006
Kickstart my heart
So I had this irregular heartbeat thing called atrial fibrillation. With this condition there is a chance of blood clotting in the heart since the atria aren't pumping correctly (they are actually kind of quivering). In order to lessen the chance of blood clots the doctor put me on Lovenox injections which is a anticoagulant. Thank beezulbub they were subcutaneous.
Monday I went to the hospital where I normally go to get this corrected (Baptist Hospital in Winston-Salem) and they once again jabbed me with an IV- the first try the vein ran away from the poor nurse. The second try a doctor shot some lidocane in my arm- thank you, much better.
Then they just threw the Brevital to me and it was like I blinked my eyes and I was back in rhythm. I had no physical clue that they walloped me with thousands of volts to restart my heart besides two burns where the patches were attached. I really wouldn't want to be awake for that.
I feel so much better to be back in sinus rhythm. It is a good day to be alive.
Monday I went to the hospital where I normally go to get this corrected (Baptist Hospital in Winston-Salem) and they once again jabbed me with an IV- the first try the vein ran away from the poor nurse. The second try a doctor shot some lidocane in my arm- thank you, much better.
Then they just threw the Brevital to me and it was like I blinked my eyes and I was back in rhythm. I had no physical clue that they walloped me with thousands of volts to restart my heart besides two burns where the patches were attached. I really wouldn't want to be awake for that.
I feel so much better to be back in sinus rhythm. It is a good day to be alive.
3/04/2006
Mexico City Blues
Just got back from a business trip to Mexico City. We went to a trade show in Puebla which is east of Mexico City. We had planned to attend the trade show for two days but it sucked so one day was enough. I was trying to find new suppliers for our factory in Honduras but I was very disappointed at the availability of product that would meet our needs.
Thursday we went back to Mexico City and stayed in a hotel in the Zona Rosa or "Pink Zone" in English. The Zona Rosa is the shopping, dining and party district. We sat in a cafe and drank beers and worked on the laptops for about 3 hours. I mostly just did a lot of people watching.
Later that evening after sushi and 4 bottles of saki and too many beers in two different clubs we stumbled back to the hotel about 4:30 Friday morning. We actually made it to the airport on time and I drank two frozen coffee drinks to try to ameliorate my hangover.
Twenty minutes later I went into Atrial Fibrillation. I have had this irregular heartbeat condition off and on for the better part of 15 years. I had surgery last May that I though had corrected the problem since I had not had any recurring episodes since the surgery. I guess the combination of alcohol, caffeine, and very cold coffee was enough to re-trigger what I hoped was gone forever.
I am so fucking stupid because frozen coffee has put me into atrial fibrillation before. I thought the surgery had solved the problem. Nevertheless, I should be a lot more conservative in my behavior considering the seriousness of my condition.
So I am taking Propafenone to try to put me back in normal sinus rhythm. This drug was successful in converting my irregular heartbeat into normal rhythm several times before my surgery. I just hope like hell it works again.
The big problem is that if it doesn't put me back in normal sinus rhythm within 48 hours I then have to go on the anticoagulant coumadin for 6 weeks then have an electrocardioversion to shock my heart back into rhythm. I hate those electrocardioversions.
I have had at least seven electrocardioversions. Each time it takes more juice to put me back into rhythm and every time they fry my veins a little more from all the hellacious drugs they use to knock me out so I don't feel the jolts of electricity.
Despite all this shit it is good to be home and see the wife and daughter. I missed them both - the daughter was looking for me the whole time I was gone. The wife said that she was calling "Daddy where are you?" That breaks my heart! She kept telling her pre-school teacher that "Daddy on trip"
Thursday we went back to Mexico City and stayed in a hotel in the Zona Rosa or "Pink Zone" in English. The Zona Rosa is the shopping, dining and party district. We sat in a cafe and drank beers and worked on the laptops for about 3 hours. I mostly just did a lot of people watching.
Later that evening after sushi and 4 bottles of saki and too many beers in two different clubs we stumbled back to the hotel about 4:30 Friday morning. We actually made it to the airport on time and I drank two frozen coffee drinks to try to ameliorate my hangover.
Twenty minutes later I went into Atrial Fibrillation. I have had this irregular heartbeat condition off and on for the better part of 15 years. I had surgery last May that I though had corrected the problem since I had not had any recurring episodes since the surgery. I guess the combination of alcohol, caffeine, and very cold coffee was enough to re-trigger what I hoped was gone forever.
I am so fucking stupid because frozen coffee has put me into atrial fibrillation before. I thought the surgery had solved the problem. Nevertheless, I should be a lot more conservative in my behavior considering the seriousness of my condition.
So I am taking Propafenone to try to put me back in normal sinus rhythm. This drug was successful in converting my irregular heartbeat into normal rhythm several times before my surgery. I just hope like hell it works again.
The big problem is that if it doesn't put me back in normal sinus rhythm within 48 hours I then have to go on the anticoagulant coumadin for 6 weeks then have an electrocardioversion to shock my heart back into rhythm. I hate those electrocardioversions.
I have had at least seven electrocardioversions. Each time it takes more juice to put me back into rhythm and every time they fry my veins a little more from all the hellacious drugs they use to knock me out so I don't feel the jolts of electricity.
Despite all this shit it is good to be home and see the wife and daughter. I missed them both - the daughter was looking for me the whole time I was gone. The wife said that she was calling "Daddy where are you?" That breaks my heart! She kept telling her pre-school teacher that "Daddy on trip"
2/28/2006
Potty Training Pleasures - See Poopie
Now the daughter wants to see her poopie- we thought we had a start on the potty training but it seems that she prefers the diaper and asks to see it every time.
Daugter laying on her back, pantless, as I am wiping the brown smear off her crotch she insists "See Poopie Daddy. See poopie now!" Is this part of the anal phase that Freud theorized about?
Of course being two she now insists that "Daddy do tit" when a poopie diaper is to be changed. With the wife being 26 weeks pregant with two in the oven it is getting harder and harder for her to comfortably do things like change a shitty diaper and pick up a 35 lb two year old. It is a good thing that the daughter wants daddy to do it.
I'm in Puebla Mexico about two hours drive outside of Mexico City. Direct flight from Charlotte - about 3.5 hours- not too bad. The bus ride here was worse - 2 hours. Mexico City is freaking huge. I am here for a trade show to find new suppliers closer to our Honduran operation. With the passage of CAFTA we will be able to source raw materials elsewhere in Central America and use them in the manufacture of our finished products without having to pay duty to bring them back in to the United States. This could mean big savings for my company.
Damn I am tired. I need to get all the sleep I can get now because after the twins arrive (we are calling them Elvis and Priscilla since the wife doesn't want to tell anyone the names we have picked out) I won't be getting any sleep. Thank Jupiter (one of my gods) the wife has a good lead on a part time nanny. It doesn't matter that we will have to sell the house to afford a nanny, as long as I can get some help and sleep.
Daugter laying on her back, pantless, as I am wiping the brown smear off her crotch she insists "See Poopie Daddy. See poopie now!" Is this part of the anal phase that Freud theorized about?
Of course being two she now insists that "Daddy do tit" when a poopie diaper is to be changed. With the wife being 26 weeks pregant with two in the oven it is getting harder and harder for her to comfortably do things like change a shitty diaper and pick up a 35 lb two year old. It is a good thing that the daughter wants daddy to do it.
I'm in Puebla Mexico about two hours drive outside of Mexico City. Direct flight from Charlotte - about 3.5 hours- not too bad. The bus ride here was worse - 2 hours. Mexico City is freaking huge. I am here for a trade show to find new suppliers closer to our Honduran operation. With the passage of CAFTA we will be able to source raw materials elsewhere in Central America and use them in the manufacture of our finished products without having to pay duty to bring them back in to the United States. This could mean big savings for my company.
Damn I am tired. I need to get all the sleep I can get now because after the twins arrive (we are calling them Elvis and Priscilla since the wife doesn't want to tell anyone the names we have picked out) I won't be getting any sleep. Thank Jupiter (one of my gods) the wife has a good lead on a part time nanny. It doesn't matter that we will have to sell the house to afford a nanny, as long as I can get some help and sleep.
1/28/2006
Jesus loves me... but he can't stand you!!
The wife drug me to Babys R Us this morning to pick up the $37,000 worth of cribs, chest of drawers, hangers, mattresses, car seats, and night lights. I took the van from work to haul all of the shit and soaked joyous rapture of the store manager and me trying to fit all of it into the ass end of the van. Good thing the company has a one ton van.
Nice weather today in North Carolina- 60 degrees F with sun. So I threw on the nut-hugging homo pants and hit the bike with the insane triathlon geek friends 1 and 2. We only rode for 1.5 hours and did a 30 minute run afterwards but my p*%##y still hurts. These morons are training for a 1/2 Ironman (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride, 13 mile run) and planning on doing Lake Placid Ironman in 2007 (1/2 Ironman x 2) and are of the opinion that I will be doing it with them. Queue laughter here...
I am a triathlete but I do sprint triathlons (1/2 mile swim, 12 to 18 mile bike, 5k run) and occasionally an international distance triathlon (sprint x 2) but the Ironmans are in a league of their own. I'm not saying that I can't do it. I have no doubt that I have the physical ability and somewhat the desire. I just can't do it without neglecting my job and most importantly my fambly. (that's right I said "fambly" That's how us folks in NC tawk).
But I felt much better getting some exercise after several weeks of slothing around, eating Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate, Cape Cod Potato Chips and drinking too much damn Zinfandel.
It seems the daughter has gotten into a bad habit. The wife and I had two sleepless nights this past week because the Daughter decided that sleeping on her own in her own room was utterly beneath her. So she put the vocal cords on 10 and made her pronouncement about midnight both nights. After repeated sessions of rocking and telling her it was time for "night night" the wife finally took her into the bed with her. I couldn't get back to sleep - two nights in a row. I might as well get used to that shit!
Potty training hasn't progressed either. She still is dumping behind the drapes in the wearable shitbag. Here I go again, complaining. I think I should rename this blog "The King of Whiny-ass Jackasses".
Despite all my complaining, I am ultimately satisfied with my position in life at the present. I am blessed with the love of my life (the daughter) who makes me laugh and smile every day. I have a very loyal and dedicated wife (non-booty-throwing for now, but dedicated), I have an awesome job- (the company is very profitable), and I don't have a hairy ass any more.
Speaking of my lack of SEX.
Triathlon geek friend #2 was talking about the church he and his wife started attending. The preacher is having a lecture series on couples needs - you know, "her needs" vs. "his needs." He suggested that I should attend with my wife on the "his needs" week to plant the seeds for the resolution to my shriveling schlong syndrome. Very kind of him to think of me in my time of need.
I might attend but I have another ass-waxing session with BoBo the love clown that Sunday and then I am going to eat a gallon of glass shards. Those things are much more spiritually satisfying than church. My agnosticism is my least endearing quality to my god fearin' southern fried wife. Cain't have it all!!!! Jesus love me.. but he cain't stand you!
Nice weather today in North Carolina- 60 degrees F with sun. So I threw on the nut-hugging homo pants and hit the bike with the insane triathlon geek friends 1 and 2. We only rode for 1.5 hours and did a 30 minute run afterwards but my p*%##y still hurts. These morons are training for a 1/2 Ironman (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride, 13 mile run) and planning on doing Lake Placid Ironman in 2007 (1/2 Ironman x 2) and are of the opinion that I will be doing it with them. Queue laughter here...
I am a triathlete but I do sprint triathlons (1/2 mile swim, 12 to 18 mile bike, 5k run) and occasionally an international distance triathlon (sprint x 2) but the Ironmans are in a league of their own. I'm not saying that I can't do it. I have no doubt that I have the physical ability and somewhat the desire. I just can't do it without neglecting my job and most importantly my fambly. (that's right I said "fambly" That's how us folks in NC tawk).
But I felt much better getting some exercise after several weeks of slothing around, eating Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate, Cape Cod Potato Chips and drinking too much damn Zinfandel.
It seems the daughter has gotten into a bad habit. The wife and I had two sleepless nights this past week because the Daughter decided that sleeping on her own in her own room was utterly beneath her. So she put the vocal cords on 10 and made her pronouncement about midnight both nights. After repeated sessions of rocking and telling her it was time for "night night" the wife finally took her into the bed with her. I couldn't get back to sleep - two nights in a row. I might as well get used to that shit!
Potty training hasn't progressed either. She still is dumping behind the drapes in the wearable shitbag. Here I go again, complaining. I think I should rename this blog "The King of Whiny-ass Jackasses".
Despite all my complaining, I am ultimately satisfied with my position in life at the present. I am blessed with the love of my life (the daughter) who makes me laugh and smile every day. I have a very loyal and dedicated wife (non-booty-throwing for now, but dedicated), I have an awesome job- (the company is very profitable), and I don't have a hairy ass any more.
Speaking of my lack of SEX.
Triathlon geek friend #2 was talking about the church he and his wife started attending. The preacher is having a lecture series on couples needs - you know, "her needs" vs. "his needs." He suggested that I should attend with my wife on the "his needs" week to plant the seeds for the resolution to my shriveling schlong syndrome. Very kind of him to think of me in my time of need.
I might attend but I have another ass-waxing session with BoBo the love clown that Sunday and then I am going to eat a gallon of glass shards. Those things are much more spiritually satisfying than church. My agnosticism is my least endearing quality to my god fearin' southern fried wife. Cain't have it all!!!! Jesus love me.. but he cain't stand you!
1/22/2006
Happy Birthday Lolo - Death to the Mad Pisser
Today is the daughter's second birthday so we had family over and naturally gorged ourselves (also shortened our lives by a combined 100 years) on North Carolina Pork Barbeque. We were in redneck heaven, the only things lacking were an absence of missing teeth, confederate battle flags and 6 packs of Bud.
Lets talk birthday presents- the pile of useless shit grew exponentially in a matter of 20 minutes. Well it might not be useless to the daughter initially, but give it a couple of weeks and the 73 new toys will be added to the "I'm tired of that stupid toy" pile and I will build another addition to the house to save them.
One of the presents she got was three tent-like cubes big enough for her to stand in connected by two tunnels. She immediately jumped on what looked to her as a solid object. Well these things are just held up by flimsy aluminum poles and won't withstand a 5 mph breeze much less 30 pounds of bouncing flesh. The cube collapsed and she went down head first on the floor. She quickly arose with tears streaming and blood dripping from her mouth. She had cut her upper lip and was calmed by chewing on ice. Fortunately no broken teeth (so much for realizing the redneck dream early) but it was quite the traumatic occurrence for a two year old.
The daughter's birthday cake was a Hello Kitty cake (everything in our house is now Hello Kitty. I am thinking about a Hello Kitty tattoo on my forehead) with two big Hello Fucking Kitty candles. When the crowd sang happy birthday to her she got really shy and buried her head in mommy's shoulder. My mother said I did the same thing. After the candles were blown out the daughter ate about four handfuls of frosting (shortening with sugar) and some green beans.
Which leads to...
The daughter now has starting going behind the drapes and standing very quietly for #2. This is another sign that she is ready for potty training. The first sign was that she said "Hey dad, I gotta shit, where's the crapper?" I guess I should move the toilet back into the bathroom.
Speaking of bodily functions. We own a retarded cat who had been castrated yet still finds the time to piss on just about any vertical surface devoid of cat piss. Before today the only surfaces that met this criteria were the office furniture that I had just moved to the dungeon. Now he has so graciously anointed my furniture with his liquid of death. I am not a unreasonable person and consider myself a lover of animals.. but..... this fucker is coming close to a visit to kitty purgatory via the local euthanizer.
I really feel like doing this but I would never and could never.
Lets talk birthday presents- the pile of useless shit grew exponentially in a matter of 20 minutes. Well it might not be useless to the daughter initially, but give it a couple of weeks and the 73 new toys will be added to the "I'm tired of that stupid toy" pile and I will build another addition to the house to save them.
One of the presents she got was three tent-like cubes big enough for her to stand in connected by two tunnels. She immediately jumped on what looked to her as a solid object. Well these things are just held up by flimsy aluminum poles and won't withstand a 5 mph breeze much less 30 pounds of bouncing flesh. The cube collapsed and she went down head first on the floor. She quickly arose with tears streaming and blood dripping from her mouth. She had cut her upper lip and was calmed by chewing on ice. Fortunately no broken teeth (so much for realizing the redneck dream early) but it was quite the traumatic occurrence for a two year old.
The daughter's birthday cake was a Hello Kitty cake (everything in our house is now Hello Kitty. I am thinking about a Hello Kitty tattoo on my forehead) with two big Hello Fucking Kitty candles. When the crowd sang happy birthday to her she got really shy and buried her head in mommy's shoulder. My mother said I did the same thing. After the candles were blown out the daughter ate about four handfuls of frosting (shortening with sugar) and some green beans.
Which leads to...
The daughter now has starting going behind the drapes and standing very quietly for #2. This is another sign that she is ready for potty training. The first sign was that she said "Hey dad, I gotta shit, where's the crapper?" I guess I should move the toilet back into the bathroom.
Speaking of bodily functions. We own a retarded cat who had been castrated yet still finds the time to piss on just about any vertical surface devoid of cat piss. Before today the only surfaces that met this criteria were the office furniture that I had just moved to the dungeon. Now he has so graciously anointed my furniture with his liquid of death. I am not a unreasonable person and consider myself a lover of animals.. but..... this fucker is coming close to a visit to kitty purgatory via the local euthanizer.
I really feel like doing this but I would never and could never.
1/17/2006
Paranoid prognostications - My Family is trying to kill me
The wife is a southern belle who was raised on meat and taters, sausage gravy and cat head buttermilk biscuits and can out-southern-cook that chick on Food TV from Savannah. The father is a farm-raised Pennsylvania, slaughter-a-pig-a-week-and-don't-throw-any-part-of-the-carcass-away, red-meat-is-king kind of man. We are a close family so when we get together we eat. And eat. Then we eat some more. After that we run for president of the local Typical American Glutton club.
Don't get the wrong picture.. I am (or I think I am) healthy in all respects. I exercise very frequently, compete in sprint triathlons, am not overweight at all and when I am away from my wife and family I eat reasonably (read lunch M-F).
But my family is trying to kill me.
You see when we get together the father usually cooks filet mignon. The wife bows down and worships hamburger. So most nights when I come home she has cooked something with hamburger- meatloaf, goulash, hamburger pie, spaghetti sauce with hamburger, hamburger patties. Hamburger ice cream is next. I am a good boy and don't complain. I eat what is offered because I don't and can't take the time to cook for myself and I appreciate the fact that my wife spends all day taking care of the daughter (stay-at-home wife) and prepares food on top of that.
So when around my family after I have blown my triglycerides out of the stratosphere and consumed 4000 times the recommended daily intake of cholesterol, that is when they pull out the kryptonite- - dark chocolate. I cannot control myself around dark chocolate.
I wonder if my family really loves me? Why would they be so freely in making such death foods readily available? Maybe it is that $800,000 insurance policy that I bought on my life with my wife as beneficiary.
If you are reading this after December 31, 2006 and it is the last post in my blog you know what happened.
Don't get the wrong picture.. I am (or I think I am) healthy in all respects. I exercise very frequently, compete in sprint triathlons, am not overweight at all and when I am away from my wife and family I eat reasonably (read lunch M-F).
But my family is trying to kill me.
You see when we get together the father usually cooks filet mignon. The wife bows down and worships hamburger. So most nights when I come home she has cooked something with hamburger- meatloaf, goulash, hamburger pie, spaghetti sauce with hamburger, hamburger patties. Hamburger ice cream is next. I am a good boy and don't complain. I eat what is offered because I don't and can't take the time to cook for myself and I appreciate the fact that my wife spends all day taking care of the daughter (stay-at-home wife) and prepares food on top of that.
So when around my family after I have blown my triglycerides out of the stratosphere and consumed 4000 times the recommended daily intake of cholesterol, that is when they pull out the kryptonite- - dark chocolate. I cannot control myself around dark chocolate.
I wonder if my family really loves me? Why would they be so freely in making such death foods readily available? Maybe it is that $800,000 insurance policy that I bought on my life with my wife as beneficiary.
If you are reading this after December 31, 2006 and it is the last post in my blog you know what happened.
1/12/2006
Banished Like a Constipated Troll
Now that we are having twins and we live in a small 3 bedroom house with enough useless shit to fill a 40,000 square foot warehouse, we have to move all those precious items to make room for the additional humans.
The third bedroom was my office until yesterday. I have been banished like a retarded flea on a dog's nad into the cold garage. I had to move all my office crap from the third bedroom into the cat and dog toilet known as our basement.
You know what I am talking about. You have walked in someone else's basement or garage and took a deep breath and though to yourself "what kind of dumbasses put their pets in the garage to shit and piss?"
Reader, meet dumbass.
In order to move into the garage with the two Volvos (yes we are the ultimate yuppie child rearing family) I had to remove from the pet toilet the lawnmower, tools, pictures, boxes, plates, ladders, dollys, toys, china hutches, car jacks, battery chargers, insecticides, rakes, power blowers, electrical cords, (I can go on like this forever), broken toatsters, crates, bats, ropes, rolls of insulation, suitcases, pictures, ribbons, tire irons, planks, paint cans, vermouth, pruners, etc.
I couldn't just sort through that shit and throw out what wasn't needed so I did what any pragmatic person would do. I plopped down a cool $1700 for an "outbuilding" so we can move our useless shit from the basement/garage into the outbuilding.
The items in this picture have to be worth about $175,000. Serious bidders only!
So there a long story of how I will catch some strange disease from mold, mildew, fungus or cat piss.
1/09/2006
Facts
1. The company I am running made a 13.6% return on eqity last fiscal year as compared to neagative return for the S&P 500 and compared to a 9% return on eqity for similar companies.
2. Our daughter has really started putting words together to make sentences. She tells me to "Sit down!!" when she wants me to sit on the floor and play with her. Her vocabulary has exploded in the last week.
3. For the first time tonight the daughter used the potty for #1. She just sat down in her bath robe and peed. If course it absorbed into her bath robe. But she was so proud that she did it again after we removed her robe. Immediately after she made a good sized puddle in her little potty she turned around, stuck her hand in her own piss and started splashing. I wonder if she is my brother's daugher.
4. I have been some sort of sick since the week of Thankstaking. I think I have a sinus infection that as just not cleared up. Maybe I should go see the doctor.
5. I am supposed to get a rectal exam in order to drive our company's straight truck. I still am not sure what the two have to do with each other.
2. Our daughter has really started putting words together to make sentences. She tells me to "Sit down!!" when she wants me to sit on the floor and play with her. Her vocabulary has exploded in the last week.
3. For the first time tonight the daughter used the potty for #1. She just sat down in her bath robe and peed. If course it absorbed into her bath robe. But she was so proud that she did it again after we removed her robe. Immediately after she made a good sized puddle in her little potty she turned around, stuck her hand in her own piss and started splashing. I wonder if she is my brother's daugher.
4. I have been some sort of sick since the week of Thankstaking. I think I have a sinus infection that as just not cleared up. Maybe I should go see the doctor.
5. I am supposed to get a rectal exam in order to drive our company's straight truck. I still am not sure what the two have to do with each other.
1/07/2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
