Today is the daughter's second birthday so we had family over and naturally gorged ourselves (also shortened our lives by a combined 100 years) on North Carolina Pork Barbeque. We were in redneck heaven, the only things lacking were an absence of missing teeth, confederate battle flags and 6 packs of Bud.
Lets talk birthday presents- the pile of useless shit grew exponentially in a matter of 20 minutes. Well it might not be useless to the daughter initially, but give it a couple of weeks and the 73 new toys will be added to the "I'm tired of that stupid toy" pile and I will build another addition to the house to save them.
One of the presents she got was three tent-like cubes big enough for her to stand in connected by two tunnels. She immediately jumped on what looked to her as a solid object. Well these things are just held up by flimsy aluminum poles and won't withstand a 5 mph breeze much less 30 pounds of bouncing flesh. The cube collapsed and she went down head first on the floor. She quickly arose with tears streaming and blood dripping from her mouth. She had cut her upper lip and was calmed by chewing on ice. Fortunately no broken teeth (so much for realizing the redneck dream early) but it was quite the traumatic occurrence for a two year old.
The daughter's birthday cake was a Hello Kitty cake (everything in our house is now Hello Kitty. I am thinking about a Hello Kitty tattoo on my forehead) with two big Hello Fucking Kitty candles. When the crowd sang happy birthday to her she got really shy and buried her head in mommy's shoulder. My mother said I did the same thing. After the candles were blown out the daughter ate about four handfuls of frosting (shortening with sugar) and some green beans.
Which leads to...
The daughter now has starting going behind the drapes and standing very quietly for #2. This is another sign that she is ready for potty training. The first sign was that she said "Hey dad, I gotta shit, where's the crapper?" I guess I should move the toilet back into the bathroom.
Speaking of bodily functions. We own a retarded cat who had been castrated yet still finds the time to piss on just about any vertical surface devoid of cat piss. Before today the only surfaces that met this criteria were the office furniture that I had just moved to the dungeon. Now he has so graciously anointed my furniture with his liquid of death. I am not a unreasonable person and consider myself a lover of animals.. but..... this fucker is coming close to a visit to kitty purgatory via the local euthanizer.
I really feel like doing this but I would never and could never.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Happy Birthday - sounds like fun - and there aren't three of them yet! Rejoice, Dad, Rejoice ... as long as we don't read about you taking a dump behind the curtains, I guess all is safe. Hope the mouth wound heals rapidly!
Post a Comment