4/26/2006

All Play and no Work Makes the Fid a poor boy

You see, it has seemed like all work- and when it seems that way it means that you don't enjoy what you are doing enough.

I can change that though. I am trying to hire a Controller to take away the financial compilation functions of my job.

Also I am in the process of getting proforma statements put together to take to the bank in order to investigate the potential of obtaining a loan in order to buy out the other owners of the business I am running. Exciting to me but urine fodder to everyone else.

The countdown is on- only 29 more days until the screaming duo arrives to take away my sleep and what is left of my sanity - but I wouldn't have it any other way

4/23/2006

The Bachelor Party without the Bachelor

I just got back from a bachelor party for my buddy Jim whose fiance would not let him go. I still can't understand this. We are not the kind of guys that will go out and actually have sex with prostitutes and everyone who knows us and knows Jim realizes this. The only thing we would do is make him drink too much, take him to a strip club, pay girls ridiculouss amounts of money to wag their breastss in his face and go home and pass out. So what the fuck is she so worried about? Relationships without trust are doomed.

So since most of us already had hall passes from our wives, we proceeded with the bachelor party without Jim and had a fucking blast. We bought a blow-up doll and dressed it as Jim and took it with us everywhere.



Here we are with Jim before going out for the evening


Here is Jim charming the Hooters girls.

So we had a blast with Jim even though he wasn't there.

Let me go on about this marriage for my buddy. He is 38, works retail (not a lot of money), slightly overweight, and kind of unsure of himself when it comes to women. So when his fiance came along he figured he better strike while the iron is hot. She has no job and has moved in with Jim. He is paying her car payment ($400 per month) and her medical insurance ($300 per month) plus his mortgage, the groceries for both of them, etc. etc.

She is 30 and ready to have children. Jim is on shaky grounds at his job and thinks he might be fired. Jim is heading into a lot of shit when she gets pregnant and if he loses his job.

The positives??? She has helped him out by getting him to stop smoking and to drink much less. Granted she has been a positive influence on him in that manner but he just isn't being himself or being honest to himself.

Nothing I can do but sit back and watch him make what I consider to be a mistake. I just want him to be happy and I have my doubts that he can be happy with this woman because I have known him since third grade and I know who he is and what kind of person he is.

Good luck Jim- we miss you.

4/18/2006

Another Day in the life of a Premenopausal two year old

Like most days I worked until about 6:30 and made it home around 7:00. From 7:00 to about 8:30 this is how I spend my time:

Lolo greets met at top of stairs and then runs away from me screaming "catch me" . I follow and run her up and down the hall for about 10 minutes

Lolo stops to watch the Max and Ruby DVD that mommy bought for her

Lolo refuses to stop watching Max and Ruby DVD for dinnertime.

Lolo kicks, screams and cries when I try to put her in her high chair.

Lolo gets her way and sits on my lap insists on feeding me rice using a fork and the majority of my food ends up on the floor.

Lolo spills ice cream all over her Vail tshirt that I painstakingly picked out in Vail last year.

Lolo says "no wash hair tonight" after being told that it was bath time.

While I am drawing a bath, Lolo runs underneath Mommy's big belly and hides from me.

Lolo cries when I force her to let me wet, wash and rinse her hair.

Lolo stands up in bathtub and urinates.

Lolo insists on holding scorching hot hair dryer and brush while I am trying to dry her hair.

Lolo refuses to brush her teeth and runs out of the bathroom naked, stops in the middle of the carpeted hall and empties the rest of her bladder.

Lolo kicks and screams when I pick her up to clean her again and install a diaper.

Lolo flails feet trying to kick me when I attempt to apply athlete's foot medication and install shitbag.

Lolo refuses to let me read a bedtime story to her by telling me "No, Daddy read by self."

Lolo picks up her mug with apple juice/allergy medicine mixture and takes two sips before pouring the remainder on the carpet at her feet.

Lolo cries for mommy and wants me to take her to mommy so she can "Hug Kiss" good night.

Lolo sees Hello Kitty band aids laying on dresser and begins hyper-decibel onslaught of screams for "boo-boos" as she calls them.

I give her two "boo-boos" and she calms enough for me to put her in crib.

As I tell her good-night and turn out light Lolo requests "Daddy, juice"

I get her a few more sips of juice with her favorite worm-bendy straw and she drinks them down with the speed of a sloth chewing peanut butter.

As I once again try to exit the room she says "Daddy, take away straw"

As I am closing the door she tries her last stall tactic muttering something about daddy helping with her boo-boos and I ignore her and close the door.

Silence.... and she is still asleep at 10:00!!!!

On top of all of this we think she is getting the chicken pox.

But how can I be mad at this mug!!

4/17/2006

Keep telling yourself- "It is worth the torture"

Seven (that is seven for those of you counting at home) months of no sex from the wife (due to a tenuous twins pregnancy). Thank Venus (another one of my gods) my hands aren't broken and as so I won't have to find out if death is an outcome of sperm buildup.

No more pregnancies for me- after this one it won't be worth the sexual void.

4/16/2006

Sugar in the Bed Makes LoLo a Sweet Girl

Up to this point I have feigned opportunities to mention my loved one's by name lest someone out there recognizes me and secretly plots to destroy my family. But we can now call the daughter Lolo.

Lolo refused to take a nap today upon arriving home after a round of tortuous car-shopping. Thus she was really tired a cranky. After smearing spaghetti all over her entire body during spaghetti rasslin (a.k.a dinner) I gave Lolo a bath in order for the amusement of turning the bathwater a slight tinge of red (Jesus ain't the only one who can change the color of water).

So bedtime finds Lolo really tired and if you don't know how much fun two year olds are when they are really tired please switch lives with me. Pretty please. Lolo refused to sit on my lap for her bedtime story and spied a bag with hearts all over it on top of her dresser. I had no clue what was in the bag but she sure did. After tantrum #37 I pulled the bag down and gave it to the violent flurry of limbs flailing and pounding the carpet at my feet.

Alas in the bag was a tootsie-pop or kiddie cocaine as I like to call it. She cradled the unopened tootsie pop in her arms like a gallon jug of nitroglycerine and looked at me with those piercing teary eyes and said "Daddy, don't take away. Please Daddy don't take away." Little miss manipulation continued her pleas over and over again until I relented and put her in the crib with the unopened tootsie pop. I figured the worst that could happen is that she choke in her sleep on it. So being the caring dad I am I left her with the tootsie pop and promised myself to check on her ever 3 minutes and shuffled out of the room with Lolo saying "Nite nite Daddy."

After about 10 minutes I went back into the room and approached the crib slowly. When I got to the crib she threw up her hand wielding the almost whole tootsie pop like a victory torch and said "Daddy, take away." Apparently she had her fill of sugar for the minute. As I took it out of her hands she said "hands sticky, daddy. Lolo lick not bite sucker, Lolo lick not bite daddy." Her mother has taught her well that a tootsie roll can last more than two licks.

And so was my manipulation for the day.

4/14/2006

Foot Fetish Female vs. Poopie

The daughter still has a thing for toe cheese- so much so that she now has athlete's foot. We had to get a prescription antifungal medication to get this problem under control. I really don't want to know where she puts those feet. She also still has her see poopie fetish as well along with a new hobby of killing ants.

Finally got the financials completely straightened out and things look really good for this fiscal year (ends Aug 31) I am going to need this excellent performance and the resulting bonus because the wife is looking at new houses. I guess a 1700 sqft house is not big enough for a family of five.

So we are proceeding with this bachelor party for my testicleless friend without him. We are heading to the beach for my second bachelor party in two weeks. I think I better leave my wallet at home.

4/10/2006

The Fid's Words of Wisdom

When in a titty bar never, ever let a stripper see you use the camera function of a camera cell phone.