The wife drug me to Babys R Us this morning to pick up the $37,000 worth of cribs, chest of drawers, hangers, mattresses, car seats, and night lights. I took the van from work to haul all of the shit and soaked joyous rapture of the store manager and me trying to fit all of it into the ass end of the van. Good thing the company has a one ton van.
Nice weather today in North Carolina- 60 degrees F with sun. So I threw on the nut-hugging homo pants and hit the bike with the insane triathlon geek friends 1 and 2. We only rode for 1.5 hours and did a 30 minute run afterwards but my p*%##y still hurts. These morons are training for a 1/2 Ironman (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride, 13 mile run) and planning on doing Lake Placid Ironman in 2007 (1/2 Ironman x 2) and are of the opinion that I will be doing it with them. Queue laughter here...
I am a triathlete but I do sprint triathlons (1/2 mile swim, 12 to 18 mile bike, 5k run) and occasionally an international distance triathlon (sprint x 2) but the Ironmans are in a league of their own. I'm not saying that I can't do it. I have no doubt that I have the physical ability and somewhat the desire. I just can't do it without neglecting my job and most importantly my fambly. (that's right I said "fambly" That's how us folks in NC tawk).
But I felt much better getting some exercise after several weeks of slothing around, eating Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate, Cape Cod Potato Chips and drinking too much damn Zinfandel.
It seems the daughter has gotten into a bad habit. The wife and I had two sleepless nights this past week because the Daughter decided that sleeping on her own in her own room was utterly beneath her. So she put the vocal cords on 10 and made her pronouncement about midnight both nights. After repeated sessions of rocking and telling her it was time for "night night" the wife finally took her into the bed with her. I couldn't get back to sleep - two nights in a row. I might as well get used to that shit!
Potty training hasn't progressed either. She still is dumping behind the drapes in the wearable shitbag. Here I go again, complaining. I think I should rename this blog "The King of Whiny-ass Jackasses".
Despite all my complaining, I am ultimately satisfied with my position in life at the present. I am blessed with the love of my life (the daughter) who makes me laugh and smile every day. I have a very loyal and dedicated wife (non-booty-throwing for now, but dedicated), I have an awesome job- (the company is very profitable), and I don't have a hairy ass any more.
Speaking of my lack of SEX.
Triathlon geek friend #2 was talking about the church he and his wife started attending. The preacher is having a lecture series on couples needs - you know, "her needs" vs. "his needs." He suggested that I should attend with my wife on the "his needs" week to plant the seeds for the resolution to my shriveling schlong syndrome. Very kind of him to think of me in my time of need.
I might attend but I have another ass-waxing session with BoBo the love clown that Sunday and then I am going to eat a gallon of glass shards. Those things are much more spiritually satisfying than church. My agnosticism is my least endearing quality to my god fearin' southern fried wife. Cain't have it all!!!! Jesus love me.. but he cain't stand you!
1/22/2006
Happy Birthday Lolo - Death to the Mad Pisser
Today is the daughter's second birthday so we had family over and naturally gorged ourselves (also shortened our lives by a combined 100 years) on North Carolina Pork Barbeque. We were in redneck heaven, the only things lacking were an absence of missing teeth, confederate battle flags and 6 packs of Bud.
Lets talk birthday presents- the pile of useless shit grew exponentially in a matter of 20 minutes. Well it might not be useless to the daughter initially, but give it a couple of weeks and the 73 new toys will be added to the "I'm tired of that stupid toy" pile and I will build another addition to the house to save them.
One of the presents she got was three tent-like cubes big enough for her to stand in connected by two tunnels. She immediately jumped on what looked to her as a solid object. Well these things are just held up by flimsy aluminum poles and won't withstand a 5 mph breeze much less 30 pounds of bouncing flesh. The cube collapsed and she went down head first on the floor. She quickly arose with tears streaming and blood dripping from her mouth. She had cut her upper lip and was calmed by chewing on ice. Fortunately no broken teeth (so much for realizing the redneck dream early) but it was quite the traumatic occurrence for a two year old.
The daughter's birthday cake was a Hello Kitty cake (everything in our house is now Hello Kitty. I am thinking about a Hello Kitty tattoo on my forehead) with two big Hello Fucking Kitty candles. When the crowd sang happy birthday to her she got really shy and buried her head in mommy's shoulder. My mother said I did the same thing. After the candles were blown out the daughter ate about four handfuls of frosting (shortening with sugar) and some green beans.
Which leads to...
The daughter now has starting going behind the drapes and standing very quietly for #2. This is another sign that she is ready for potty training. The first sign was that she said "Hey dad, I gotta shit, where's the crapper?" I guess I should move the toilet back into the bathroom.
Speaking of bodily functions. We own a retarded cat who had been castrated yet still finds the time to piss on just about any vertical surface devoid of cat piss. Before today the only surfaces that met this criteria were the office furniture that I had just moved to the dungeon. Now he has so graciously anointed my furniture with his liquid of death. I am not a unreasonable person and consider myself a lover of animals.. but..... this fucker is coming close to a visit to kitty purgatory via the local euthanizer.
I really feel like doing this but I would never and could never.
Lets talk birthday presents- the pile of useless shit grew exponentially in a matter of 20 minutes. Well it might not be useless to the daughter initially, but give it a couple of weeks and the 73 new toys will be added to the "I'm tired of that stupid toy" pile and I will build another addition to the house to save them.
One of the presents she got was three tent-like cubes big enough for her to stand in connected by two tunnels. She immediately jumped on what looked to her as a solid object. Well these things are just held up by flimsy aluminum poles and won't withstand a 5 mph breeze much less 30 pounds of bouncing flesh. The cube collapsed and she went down head first on the floor. She quickly arose with tears streaming and blood dripping from her mouth. She had cut her upper lip and was calmed by chewing on ice. Fortunately no broken teeth (so much for realizing the redneck dream early) but it was quite the traumatic occurrence for a two year old.
The daughter's birthday cake was a Hello Kitty cake (everything in our house is now Hello Kitty. I am thinking about a Hello Kitty tattoo on my forehead) with two big Hello Fucking Kitty candles. When the crowd sang happy birthday to her she got really shy and buried her head in mommy's shoulder. My mother said I did the same thing. After the candles were blown out the daughter ate about four handfuls of frosting (shortening with sugar) and some green beans.
Which leads to...
The daughter now has starting going behind the drapes and standing very quietly for #2. This is another sign that she is ready for potty training. The first sign was that she said "Hey dad, I gotta shit, where's the crapper?" I guess I should move the toilet back into the bathroom.
Speaking of bodily functions. We own a retarded cat who had been castrated yet still finds the time to piss on just about any vertical surface devoid of cat piss. Before today the only surfaces that met this criteria were the office furniture that I had just moved to the dungeon. Now he has so graciously anointed my furniture with his liquid of death. I am not a unreasonable person and consider myself a lover of animals.. but..... this fucker is coming close to a visit to kitty purgatory via the local euthanizer.
I really feel like doing this but I would never and could never.
1/17/2006
Paranoid prognostications - My Family is trying to kill me
The wife is a southern belle who was raised on meat and taters, sausage gravy and cat head buttermilk biscuits and can out-southern-cook that chick on Food TV from Savannah. The father is a farm-raised Pennsylvania, slaughter-a-pig-a-week-and-don't-throw-any-part-of-the-carcass-away, red-meat-is-king kind of man. We are a close family so when we get together we eat. And eat. Then we eat some more. After that we run for president of the local Typical American Glutton club.
Don't get the wrong picture.. I am (or I think I am) healthy in all respects. I exercise very frequently, compete in sprint triathlons, am not overweight at all and when I am away from my wife and family I eat reasonably (read lunch M-F).
But my family is trying to kill me.
You see when we get together the father usually cooks filet mignon. The wife bows down and worships hamburger. So most nights when I come home she has cooked something with hamburger- meatloaf, goulash, hamburger pie, spaghetti sauce with hamburger, hamburger patties. Hamburger ice cream is next. I am a good boy and don't complain. I eat what is offered because I don't and can't take the time to cook for myself and I appreciate the fact that my wife spends all day taking care of the daughter (stay-at-home wife) and prepares food on top of that.
So when around my family after I have blown my triglycerides out of the stratosphere and consumed 4000 times the recommended daily intake of cholesterol, that is when they pull out the kryptonite- - dark chocolate. I cannot control myself around dark chocolate.
I wonder if my family really loves me? Why would they be so freely in making such death foods readily available? Maybe it is that $800,000 insurance policy that I bought on my life with my wife as beneficiary.
If you are reading this after December 31, 2006 and it is the last post in my blog you know what happened.
Don't get the wrong picture.. I am (or I think I am) healthy in all respects. I exercise very frequently, compete in sprint triathlons, am not overweight at all and when I am away from my wife and family I eat reasonably (read lunch M-F).
But my family is trying to kill me.
You see when we get together the father usually cooks filet mignon. The wife bows down and worships hamburger. So most nights when I come home she has cooked something with hamburger- meatloaf, goulash, hamburger pie, spaghetti sauce with hamburger, hamburger patties. Hamburger ice cream is next. I am a good boy and don't complain. I eat what is offered because I don't and can't take the time to cook for myself and I appreciate the fact that my wife spends all day taking care of the daughter (stay-at-home wife) and prepares food on top of that.
So when around my family after I have blown my triglycerides out of the stratosphere and consumed 4000 times the recommended daily intake of cholesterol, that is when they pull out the kryptonite- - dark chocolate. I cannot control myself around dark chocolate.
I wonder if my family really loves me? Why would they be so freely in making such death foods readily available? Maybe it is that $800,000 insurance policy that I bought on my life with my wife as beneficiary.
If you are reading this after December 31, 2006 and it is the last post in my blog you know what happened.
1/12/2006
Banished Like a Constipated Troll
Now that we are having twins and we live in a small 3 bedroom house with enough useless shit to fill a 40,000 square foot warehouse, we have to move all those precious items to make room for the additional humans.
The third bedroom was my office until yesterday. I have been banished like a retarded flea on a dog's nad into the cold garage. I had to move all my office crap from the third bedroom into the cat and dog toilet known as our basement.
You know what I am talking about. You have walked in someone else's basement or garage and took a deep breath and though to yourself "what kind of dumbasses put their pets in the garage to shit and piss?"
Reader, meet dumbass.
In order to move into the garage with the two Volvos (yes we are the ultimate yuppie child rearing family) I had to remove from the pet toilet the lawnmower, tools, pictures, boxes, plates, ladders, dollys, toys, china hutches, car jacks, battery chargers, insecticides, rakes, power blowers, electrical cords, (I can go on like this forever), broken toatsters, crates, bats, ropes, rolls of insulation, suitcases, pictures, ribbons, tire irons, planks, paint cans, vermouth, pruners, etc.
I couldn't just sort through that shit and throw out what wasn't needed so I did what any pragmatic person would do. I plopped down a cool $1700 for an "outbuilding" so we can move our useless shit from the basement/garage into the outbuilding.
The items in this picture have to be worth about $175,000. Serious bidders only!
So there a long story of how I will catch some strange disease from mold, mildew, fungus or cat piss.
1/09/2006
Facts
1. The company I am running made a 13.6% return on eqity last fiscal year as compared to neagative return for the S&P 500 and compared to a 9% return on eqity for similar companies.
2. Our daughter has really started putting words together to make sentences. She tells me to "Sit down!!" when she wants me to sit on the floor and play with her. Her vocabulary has exploded in the last week.
3. For the first time tonight the daughter used the potty for #1. She just sat down in her bath robe and peed. If course it absorbed into her bath robe. But she was so proud that she did it again after we removed her robe. Immediately after she made a good sized puddle in her little potty she turned around, stuck her hand in her own piss and started splashing. I wonder if she is my brother's daugher.
4. I have been some sort of sick since the week of Thankstaking. I think I have a sinus infection that as just not cleared up. Maybe I should go see the doctor.
5. I am supposed to get a rectal exam in order to drive our company's straight truck. I still am not sure what the two have to do with each other.
2. Our daughter has really started putting words together to make sentences. She tells me to "Sit down!!" when she wants me to sit on the floor and play with her. Her vocabulary has exploded in the last week.
3. For the first time tonight the daughter used the potty for #1. She just sat down in her bath robe and peed. If course it absorbed into her bath robe. But she was so proud that she did it again after we removed her robe. Immediately after she made a good sized puddle in her little potty she turned around, stuck her hand in her own piss and started splashing. I wonder if she is my brother's daugher.
4. I have been some sort of sick since the week of Thankstaking. I think I have a sinus infection that as just not cleared up. Maybe I should go see the doctor.
5. I am supposed to get a rectal exam in order to drive our company's straight truck. I still am not sure what the two have to do with each other.
1/07/2006
12/31/2005
12/30/2005
The fid's poetry slam
ODE TO POTTED MEAT
Oh how I sing the praises of potted meat
Paté of the gods, aroma so sweet
I long for the post-consumption rectal burn
Oh beef byproducts for thee I yearn
With that delicious sodium erythorbate
My hunger will never have to wait
Cooked beef fat tissue solids and beef tripe
Its not just a bunch of hype
Eat it like the pig you are
Just pray that a toilet is not that far!
My brother and I used to play a silly little game of "hide the potted meat" in our now departed cousin's car. We would open a can of the meat and put it under the seat, or up in the dash, or in other various hidden places in his car. It usually took about two days for him to figure out that he had been potted.
My brother also put the leg from a freshly dead deer in his brother-in-law's truck underneath the driver seat. It took about a week for the poor bastard to figure that one out.
My brother is evil. I am pure and perfect.
Oh how I sing the praises of potted meat
Paté of the gods, aroma so sweet
I long for the post-consumption rectal burn
Oh beef byproducts for thee I yearn
With that delicious sodium erythorbate
My hunger will never have to wait
Cooked beef fat tissue solids and beef tripe
Its not just a bunch of hype
Eat it like the pig you are
Just pray that a toilet is not that far!
My brother and I used to play a silly little game of "hide the potted meat" in our now departed cousin's car. We would open a can of the meat and put it under the seat, or up in the dash, or in other various hidden places in his car. It usually took about two days for him to figure out that he had been potted.
My brother also put the leg from a freshly dead deer in his brother-in-law's truck underneath the driver seat. It took about a week for the poor bastard to figure that one out.
My brother is evil. I am pure and perfect.
12/29/2005
12/27/2005
An Obscene Christmas
You know, our families aren't rich and I know why. Every crismas everyone in our families spend an obscene amount of money (when compared to their income) on krismas presents for everyone else. The wife alone spent over $2000 on gifts. Not one single gift was over $100 in value. She buys for all her cousin and his wife and kids, her parents, my parents, her aunt and uncle, her brother, my brother and his wife, my nephew, four or five of her friends, and last and certainly least, me. That is a total of about 21 individuals.
The daughter received a silly amount of presents - toys, stuffed animals, crap. I wish those people who spend their hard earned money on this crap would instead put that money toward her college fund. At least the mother and brother-in-law did give to her college fund. So all is not lost.
I don't understand this culture of losing your mind at and around December 25. I say spread it out through the year and if you are going to blow your synapses over giving, do so responsibly.
Can't sleep again tonight. Went to sleep about 11:00 and woke up to piss about 2:15 and couldn't go back to sleep with the seven remaining brain cells working overtime. Usually is work that those cells are tripping over. So when I can't sleep, I blog. But for me a blog is usually a whining session. Am I really that negative?
The daughter got a new play toy for the pagan holiday on the 25th. It is a bath toy that has a round floating piece of plastic with a palm tree in the center. The palm tree has a trunk made of transparent plastic with an auger looking thing in the middle. It has holes in the top where you can pour water and watch the auger spin as the water trickles down the inside of the trunk and out the bottom. She spent about 10 minutes with the palm tree alone. Then this toy has Ernie, Elmo and Telly (Sesame St. Characters) hanging out around the peripheial. She had to wash each of those characters feet and then their hair. She held out her hand and asked for the squirt soap by saying "peace" which means "please" to her. Moments like that I really cherish.
The daughter got pissed off when I started draining the tub and of course she wouldn't leave her new bath toy behind- we had to take it with her to the other bathroom to brush her teeth.
The daughter will be two years old Jan 22, 2006. She is ready to be potty trained. We need to get that done before the twins arrive.
Now it is 4:45 a.m. and I am going to put on my swimsuit to get ready to go swimming. I am working out with this maniac who is training for a half ironman triathlon. For some reason he has convinced me to train with him and it involved going to the workout facility at the satanic hour of 5:15 a.m. If I don't get up and work out at that time I won't do it at all. And allah knows that I need to work out after what I ate over this obscene holiday.
The daughter received a silly amount of presents - toys, stuffed animals, crap. I wish those people who spend their hard earned money on this crap would instead put that money toward her college fund. At least the mother and brother-in-law did give to her college fund. So all is not lost.
I don't understand this culture of losing your mind at and around December 25. I say spread it out through the year and if you are going to blow your synapses over giving, do so responsibly.
Can't sleep again tonight. Went to sleep about 11:00 and woke up to piss about 2:15 and couldn't go back to sleep with the seven remaining brain cells working overtime. Usually is work that those cells are tripping over. So when I can't sleep, I blog. But for me a blog is usually a whining session. Am I really that negative?
The daughter got a new play toy for the pagan holiday on the 25th. It is a bath toy that has a round floating piece of plastic with a palm tree in the center. The palm tree has a trunk made of transparent plastic with an auger looking thing in the middle. It has holes in the top where you can pour water and watch the auger spin as the water trickles down the inside of the trunk and out the bottom. She spent about 10 minutes with the palm tree alone. Then this toy has Ernie, Elmo and Telly (Sesame St. Characters) hanging out around the peripheial. She had to wash each of those characters feet and then their hair. She held out her hand and asked for the squirt soap by saying "peace" which means "please" to her. Moments like that I really cherish.
The daughter got pissed off when I started draining the tub and of course she wouldn't leave her new bath toy behind- we had to take it with her to the other bathroom to brush her teeth.
The daughter will be two years old Jan 22, 2006. She is ready to be potty trained. We need to get that done before the twins arrive.
Now it is 4:45 a.m. and I am going to put on my swimsuit to get ready to go swimming. I am working out with this maniac who is training for a half ironman triathlon. For some reason he has convinced me to train with him and it involved going to the workout facility at the satanic hour of 5:15 a.m. If I don't get up and work out at that time I won't do it at all. And allah knows that I need to work out after what I ate over this obscene holiday.
12/22/2005
Where's Waldo, I mean, Dildo?
This is driving my wife insane and it is funny as shit!
Below is the picture of our beautiful daughter that we sent out in our x-mas cards this year to over 100 of our closest friends. See if you can spot anything unusual.
Did you see it? Look at the upper left hand corner of the picture.
My brother called me and I could barely understand him through his tears of laughter. He asked me "what the hell is a dildo doing in that picture?"
So I took the picture to my wife and pointed it out. Her response was something along the lines that my brother was a perverted freak and that she wasn't worried about it- no one else would notice it.
The wife and I went to a kistmas party last weekend and one of my best friends greeted us at the door with the picture in hand. Much like my brother he was hysterical with laughter as he attempted to ask me and my wife about the phallic object in the picture. The wife promptly informed my friend that he was a perverted freak as well and that most people would not see the dildo in the picture with my innocent two year old daughter.
So naturally the picture is passed around at the party to get a survey of the individuals who could quickly identify the "dildo" in the picture.
Much to my wife's chagrin most people actually did see the offending member. Nevertheless she took it all in good stride and was even able to laugh about the fact that we had what looked like a "dildo" beside our innocent child's head in the picture that went out to our elderly aunts, grandparents, cousins, ministers, and the like.
At the party the joke continued and expanded. We had suggestions that next year we hide several dildos in the picture and instead of the proverbial "Where's Waldo?" we could challenge our friends who received our x-mas card to play "Where's Dildo?" It was also suggested that we fashion cribs made out of dildos for our twins to put in the picture next year.
Okay, okay, so why is there a dildo in the picture with the daughter? No we are not perverts or child molesters and we don't own any dildos. Below is the picture before it was cropped to send out to our friends and family:
As you can see the picture is innocent enough. The dildo is actually the handle to her $15 Target bought rocking horse.
At least we could bring some cheer to our friends this x-mas.
Below is the picture of our beautiful daughter that we sent out in our x-mas cards this year to over 100 of our closest friends. See if you can spot anything unusual.
Did you see it? Look at the upper left hand corner of the picture.
My brother called me and I could barely understand him through his tears of laughter. He asked me "what the hell is a dildo doing in that picture?"
So I took the picture to my wife and pointed it out. Her response was something along the lines that my brother was a perverted freak and that she wasn't worried about it- no one else would notice it.
The wife and I went to a kistmas party last weekend and one of my best friends greeted us at the door with the picture in hand. Much like my brother he was hysterical with laughter as he attempted to ask me and my wife about the phallic object in the picture. The wife promptly informed my friend that he was a perverted freak as well and that most people would not see the dildo in the picture with my innocent two year old daughter.
So naturally the picture is passed around at the party to get a survey of the individuals who could quickly identify the "dildo" in the picture.
Much to my wife's chagrin most people actually did see the offending member. Nevertheless she took it all in good stride and was even able to laugh about the fact that we had what looked like a "dildo" beside our innocent child's head in the picture that went out to our elderly aunts, grandparents, cousins, ministers, and the like.
At the party the joke continued and expanded. We had suggestions that next year we hide several dildos in the picture and instead of the proverbial "Where's Waldo?" we could challenge our friends who received our x-mas card to play "Where's Dildo?" It was also suggested that we fashion cribs made out of dildos for our twins to put in the picture next year.
Okay, okay, so why is there a dildo in the picture with the daughter? No we are not perverts or child molesters and we don't own any dildos. Below is the picture before it was cropped to send out to our friends and family:
As you can see the picture is innocent enough. The dildo is actually the handle to her $15 Target bought rocking horse.
At least we could bring some cheer to our friends this x-mas.
Sexless
Three months and counting. It could be four. I can't even remember the last time I had sex. I am unlikely to have sex again for another six or seven months. Yes, it is bothering me. I have a pretty damn strong sex drive. The wife is pregnant and is concerned that having sex could cause a problem in light of all the past bleeding problems that she had earlier in the pregnancy.
She asked me if I was thinking of cheating on her. I told her no- besides who would be the other willing party?
Went to her good friend's birthday party tonight at a crowded and loud restaurant. Last year we went to the same birthday party at the same restaurant. I was not wearing a wedding ring at that time. I have been told that a girl at the party last year was asking about me. As in "what is his story? Who is he?" So I guess I can take that as maybe she found me attractive. The wife was the one who relayed this story to me. The girl who was asking about me last year was there again tonight.
She is cute. Has a nice body. Blonde and sexy. If I were going to cheat on my wife I would like to have sex with that girl- assuming that she would want anything to do with me. Which of course she wouldn't because I am married. Even if she were willing, I would not have the balls to have sex with her. I am doomed to a sexless, sexually frustrated sex life. Well, I guess after the twins are born I will have sex again- but that isn't until late May. It just feels like forever.
The sex life isn't the most exciting with the wife. It never really has been. We never really had that wild sex thing. So I feel that I am missing out on a certain part of my life. But my family is more important so I sacrifice the fulfillment of those desires.
I hate our fucking cats. Two of them. Annoying as hell. It is 2:00 am right now- can't sleep and those fucking cats are scratching on the door of the garage wanting out.
The wife gave away the dog yesterday. The dog never stayed at our house anyway. He stayed with the neighbor three houses down. The dog was so fucking annoying. He constantly begged for attention and incessantly whined. The neighbor loves the dog and was willing to take over complete ownership. The neighbor had already taken over full responsibility for feeding and she was glad to become the new owner.
Our pets are so damn annoying. Maybe a trip to the pound is in order for the cats. Well the daughter loves the cats so i guess i won't do that. But one of the cats is sixty-nine times more annoying than the other so maybe she can go to another good home that can put up with her annoyances.
I ramble at 2:00 in the morning.
I need sex at 2:00 in the morning.
I need sex at 1:00 in the afternoon.
Come to think of it, I need sex at any time during the day or night.
I used to have a great sex life before I met the wife. I shouldn't think back to that time- it tends to depress me somewhat.
The reader (as if anyone will ever read this besides myself) might think that I do not love my wife. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I love her more deeply than i have ever loved anyone in my life. We are a very good match. We come from similar backgrounds, have similar views on most topics, have similar morals and life goals. Passion and sex are what is missing for me. I love my family and don't want my current situation with my family to change. I just have a desire to fill the one hole in my life. But I probably will not be able to fill that hole without destroying my family. I will not jeapordize my family in order to make my life complete.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't have everything you want in life.
She asked me if I was thinking of cheating on her. I told her no- besides who would be the other willing party?
Went to her good friend's birthday party tonight at a crowded and loud restaurant. Last year we went to the same birthday party at the same restaurant. I was not wearing a wedding ring at that time. I have been told that a girl at the party last year was asking about me. As in "what is his story? Who is he?" So I guess I can take that as maybe she found me attractive. The wife was the one who relayed this story to me. The girl who was asking about me last year was there again tonight.
She is cute. Has a nice body. Blonde and sexy. If I were going to cheat on my wife I would like to have sex with that girl- assuming that she would want anything to do with me. Which of course she wouldn't because I am married. Even if she were willing, I would not have the balls to have sex with her. I am doomed to a sexless, sexually frustrated sex life. Well, I guess after the twins are born I will have sex again- but that isn't until late May. It just feels like forever.
The sex life isn't the most exciting with the wife. It never really has been. We never really had that wild sex thing. So I feel that I am missing out on a certain part of my life. But my family is more important so I sacrifice the fulfillment of those desires.
I hate our fucking cats. Two of them. Annoying as hell. It is 2:00 am right now- can't sleep and those fucking cats are scratching on the door of the garage wanting out.
The wife gave away the dog yesterday. The dog never stayed at our house anyway. He stayed with the neighbor three houses down. The dog was so fucking annoying. He constantly begged for attention and incessantly whined. The neighbor loves the dog and was willing to take over complete ownership. The neighbor had already taken over full responsibility for feeding and she was glad to become the new owner.
Our pets are so damn annoying. Maybe a trip to the pound is in order for the cats. Well the daughter loves the cats so i guess i won't do that. But one of the cats is sixty-nine times more annoying than the other so maybe she can go to another good home that can put up with her annoyances.
I ramble at 2:00 in the morning.
I need sex at 2:00 in the morning.
I need sex at 1:00 in the afternoon.
Come to think of it, I need sex at any time during the day or night.
I used to have a great sex life before I met the wife. I shouldn't think back to that time- it tends to depress me somewhat.
The reader (as if anyone will ever read this besides myself) might think that I do not love my wife. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I love her more deeply than i have ever loved anyone in my life. We are a very good match. We come from similar backgrounds, have similar views on most topics, have similar morals and life goals. Passion and sex are what is missing for me. I love my family and don't want my current situation with my family to change. I just have a desire to fill the one hole in my life. But I probably will not be able to fill that hole without destroying my family. I will not jeapordize my family in order to make my life complete.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't have everything you want in life.
12/08/2005
Sleepless in the garage
Just spent 3.5 hours working on the damn Dodge- got the manifold back on but I might have big problems. I was trying to get the remainder of a rubber gasket out of a little pin hole wit a screw (don't ask me why a screw) and then it slipped out of my hand and fell somewhere. I didn't hear it hit metal and I didn't hear it hit the floor. I spent about an hour looking at the cam shaft and the distributor gear and had no luck finding it. I really really hope it didn't fall into where the cam shaft is. I will end up with some big problems if so.
I know no one reads this blog, but I guess it really is just for me.
Two, four, six, eight. Oral sex is really great.
Speaking of sex, I haven't had sex in well over three months- hell it could be longer- going through the damn in vitro fertilization I was not supposed to pork the wife and then after she got knocked up she has had these bleeding spells so the doctor calls for "pelvic rest" I had never heard it called that before and neither had the wife so when they told us that the first time we both looked at the doctor like they were speaking a foreign dialect of Estonian. He had to explain it to us. Damn are we ignorant.
I never thought I would know all the characters on Sesame Street.
The daughter is wild- she has broken at least five ornaments on the tree and is starting to not eat much at dinner. She pulled that shit tonight and the wife gave her a cookie because she wasn't eating anything else. I don't know where to go with that one.
The triathlon training buddy thinks I am getting up at 4:30 to meet him at 5:15. Considering it is past midnight now, I am pretty positive that will not happen.
There once was a lady who lived in a shoe
she had so many children
her uterus fell out.
Andrew Dice Clay rules.
I am delirious.
I know no one reads this blog, but I guess it really is just for me.
Two, four, six, eight. Oral sex is really great.
Speaking of sex, I haven't had sex in well over three months- hell it could be longer- going through the damn in vitro fertilization I was not supposed to pork the wife and then after she got knocked up she has had these bleeding spells so the doctor calls for "pelvic rest" I had never heard it called that before and neither had the wife so when they told us that the first time we both looked at the doctor like they were speaking a foreign dialect of Estonian. He had to explain it to us. Damn are we ignorant.
I never thought I would know all the characters on Sesame Street.
The daughter is wild- she has broken at least five ornaments on the tree and is starting to not eat much at dinner. She pulled that shit tonight and the wife gave her a cookie because she wasn't eating anything else. I don't know where to go with that one.
The triathlon training buddy thinks I am getting up at 4:30 to meet him at 5:15. Considering it is past midnight now, I am pretty positive that will not happen.
There once was a lady who lived in a shoe
she had so many children
her uterus fell out.
Andrew Dice Clay rules.
I am delirious.
12/06/2005
No Space
At our distribution center we have no space. We get at least two inbound containers a week and we have about 20,000 square feet to offload containers, load containers, ship LTL and single package shipments, and receive in raw materials. We are growing so we need a larger building. I am stuck because we can't really afford a totally new and different building. That is my conundrum for the day.
Did a little more to the Dodge tonight. Put the plenum plate and gasket on the intake manifold. Use the foot pound torque wrench- good enough I figured. Cleaned all the gasket surfaces on the heads and removed all the spark plug wires and plugs. I vacuumed out the spark plug holes and re-installed new spark plugs.
The daughter fell today off the top step of her little step stool where she stands with mommy to help her cook and play with water. Mommy said she really hit her head on the wood floor and was considering taking her to the hospital. We both contemplated this evening over dinner how you would know a 22 month old had a concussion. I guessed you could tell simply by the change in the way they acted- maybe a little disoriented- maybe a little more confused than normal. Wait a second, I must have a permanent concussion.
There is a little op-ed war in our little town back-asswards newspaper. These jackasses are writing in to complain how stores are putting up in signage "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" in efforts to avoid offending certain people. These idiots are writing the paper compliaing that these stores are aiding and abetting those who want to take Christ out of Christmas. Sometimes I really hate living in the bible belt. I believe that in general, people around here are way too closed minded.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against religions or Christianity. I was raised in a Lutheran Church and taught as a little kid to believe. When I grew old enough to think for myself my beliefs have changed dramatically, but nevertheless, I respect those who have different beliefs than me and I don't have a problem with those who treat others with respect and don't try to force their beliefs on others. When people start telling me that I am going to hell because of what I believe or don't believe I feel very sorry that they have to lead a life of such closed mindedness.
Don't get me started on fundamentalism. Jesus love me... but he can't stand you!!!
Did a little more to the Dodge tonight. Put the plenum plate and gasket on the intake manifold. Use the foot pound torque wrench- good enough I figured. Cleaned all the gasket surfaces on the heads and removed all the spark plug wires and plugs. I vacuumed out the spark plug holes and re-installed new spark plugs.
The daughter fell today off the top step of her little step stool where she stands with mommy to help her cook and play with water. Mommy said she really hit her head on the wood floor and was considering taking her to the hospital. We both contemplated this evening over dinner how you would know a 22 month old had a concussion. I guessed you could tell simply by the change in the way they acted- maybe a little disoriented- maybe a little more confused than normal. Wait a second, I must have a permanent concussion.
There is a little op-ed war in our little town back-asswards newspaper. These jackasses are writing in to complain how stores are putting up in signage "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" in efforts to avoid offending certain people. These idiots are writing the paper compliaing that these stores are aiding and abetting those who want to take Christ out of Christmas. Sometimes I really hate living in the bible belt. I believe that in general, people around here are way too closed minded.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against religions or Christianity. I was raised in a Lutheran Church and taught as a little kid to believe. When I grew old enough to think for myself my beliefs have changed dramatically, but nevertheless, I respect those who have different beliefs than me and I don't have a problem with those who treat others with respect and don't try to force their beliefs on others. When people start telling me that I am going to hell because of what I believe or don't believe I feel very sorry that they have to lead a life of such closed mindedness.
Don't get me started on fundamentalism. Jesus love me... but he can't stand you!!!
12/05/2005
I need tools
I need a freaking new torque wrench to put my plenum plate back on the intake manifold. I have a torque wrench but it's range is too high I need something that starts at 20 inch-pounds and mine starts at 10 foot-pounds.
Rainy cold day here in NC but good news is that the inventory numbers are looking pretty close- word from the auditors. The gutters on the building at work are leaking in 2 places and need to be repaired. I talked to the president of a company that markets camouflage suits who is interested in us making them for him. I have a lot of work to get done before I can quote him. Yale forklifts has screwed us over with the last forklift we bought from them. Looks like we are going to have to pay to send it back from Honduras to get it repaired. Sometimes doing business in a developing country is pretty damn frustrating.
The daugher loves the N-gauge toy train I got out. It used to be mine when I was a kid. It is a very small gauge so she is in the process of destroying it. I grabbed her by her feet when she was laying face down on the wood floor in the living room and slung her around- sliding her on her stomach in her sleeper. She loved it. She kept saying "mo, mo, da-da" - meaning more, more! I love her so much- can't explain.
Rainy cold day here in NC but good news is that the inventory numbers are looking pretty close- word from the auditors. The gutters on the building at work are leaking in 2 places and need to be repaired. I talked to the president of a company that markets camouflage suits who is interested in us making them for him. I have a lot of work to get done before I can quote him. Yale forklifts has screwed us over with the last forklift we bought from them. Looks like we are going to have to pay to send it back from Honduras to get it repaired. Sometimes doing business in a developing country is pretty damn frustrating.
The daugher loves the N-gauge toy train I got out. It used to be mine when I was a kid. It is a very small gauge so she is in the process of destroying it. I grabbed her by her feet when she was laying face down on the wood floor in the living room and slung her around- sliding her on her stomach in her sleeper. She loved it. She kept saying "mo, mo, da-da" - meaning more, more! I love her so much- can't explain.
12/04/2005
Work, work, work, work
I busted my ass all day yesterday doing the honeydos. I hung over 30 different pictures, towel racks, shelves, etc. The daughter was at the in-laws yesterday so we got a lot of shit done around the house not having to watch every move of a toddler. I pulled all the kristmas shit out from underneath the house- all seven fucking bins of the shit. I hate x-mas because I have do drag all that shit out, help hang all of it up and then help take it all down in about two weeks and put all the shit back up. It wouldn't be so bad if there was only one little bin of that shit but we have seven of those big fucking plastic bins full of kismas crap. I even went to pick up the krismas tree (a waste of $40) and took in the recycling. I fucking hate crimmus.
After doing all I felt kinda guilty cuz I know I should have been working on business stuff. Still haven't finished the damn inventory valuations. I tried to work on them some even tonight but I am too damn tired.
The daughter was in such a bad mood. I guess it is a 22 month's old right to be pissy, but she refused to get in her high chair and refused to eat. When I put her in the high chair, she stiffened up and slid down between the tray and the seat so that just her head was poking out from the tray. She was wailing. I didn't feel like fucking with it so I picked her up and put her on my lap and I ate and she watched.
She didn't want to brush her teeth and didn't want to get dressed in her pajamas. We had put a robe on her and she didn't want that to be taken off so I could put on the pajamas. Boy am I in for a treat when I have three kids like that at one time. It is a wonder my parents didn't kill me.
I still feel like shit. Snot and coughing don't make for good sleep. Okay my whining session is over.
After doing all I felt kinda guilty cuz I know I should have been working on business stuff. Still haven't finished the damn inventory valuations. I tried to work on them some even tonight but I am too damn tired.
The daughter was in such a bad mood. I guess it is a 22 month's old right to be pissy, but she refused to get in her high chair and refused to eat. When I put her in the high chair, she stiffened up and slid down between the tray and the seat so that just her head was poking out from the tray. She was wailing. I didn't feel like fucking with it so I picked her up and put her on my lap and I ate and she watched.
She didn't want to brush her teeth and didn't want to get dressed in her pajamas. We had put a robe on her and she didn't want that to be taken off so I could put on the pajamas. Boy am I in for a treat when I have three kids like that at one time. It is a wonder my parents didn't kill me.
I still feel like shit. Snot and coughing don't make for good sleep. Okay my whining session is over.
12/02/2005
Dodge Pickups Suck
I took off work today at 1:00 to meet one of my mechanics from work at my house to remove the intake manifold bold with the broken head sticking out of the engine's head. If you are a greasemonkey you understand this, if not.. that is okay- you still are important.
The damn bolt had rusted. I didn't know this but when steel rusts it get harder (learn something new every millennium) and this 5/16 bolt had rusted very well. My mechanic went through 5 titanium coated drill bits, one carbide tipped drill bit and 3 cold chisels to get that damn bolt out. I never would have been able to do this myself, but he got it out. I wonder how much he will charge me? I send him on long trips to Honduras frequently and his girlfriend calls him about seven times a day and thinks he is down there partying and screwing Honduran bitches. Nothing could be farther from the truth- he is as loyal as they come.... and it seems to me that she is about as fucked up as they come- makes me appreciate my wife even more.
Anyway, I pay him well when I ship him out of the country- he deserves it so I don't think he will stick it to me.
I am lying in bed- snot almost gone- and typing beside my wife who is asleep. She thinks I am married to this laptop and I am.
Took the daughter to see Santa Claus tonight. She took one look at him and screamed bloody murder. I was the same way when I was two years old. I guess it runs in the family. Distrust of strange looking fat fuckers with beards.
Got this consultant at work- he is charging me $1200 a day to implement a cost system. I fucking hate consultants. I always feel like I have been raped after they are gone. If I feel that way at the end of this project, I am going to hunt the greasy-faced genius down and torture him by taping his mouth shut.
You know the type- talk, talk, talk, ramble, ramble ramble- like Greenspeak. This bastard is so damn smart that when he talks it takes all I have in concentration and brain power to follow his train of thought. He bounces from idea to idea with irrelevant segues. I hate fuckers like that. And he always ends the insipid list of babble with "does that make sense?"
I always say "no" but it doesn't faze him. But I like him anyway. If I don't meet budget because of this unbudgeted expenditure I guess I will hang myself because I won't make my bonus payout and my key employees won't either which will put seven demoralized direct subordinates on my hands.
It is always good to appear as if you know what you are doing.
The damn bolt had rusted. I didn't know this but when steel rusts it get harder (learn something new every millennium) and this 5/16 bolt had rusted very well. My mechanic went through 5 titanium coated drill bits, one carbide tipped drill bit and 3 cold chisels to get that damn bolt out. I never would have been able to do this myself, but he got it out. I wonder how much he will charge me? I send him on long trips to Honduras frequently and his girlfriend calls him about seven times a day and thinks he is down there partying and screwing Honduran bitches. Nothing could be farther from the truth- he is as loyal as they come.... and it seems to me that she is about as fucked up as they come- makes me appreciate my wife even more.
Anyway, I pay him well when I ship him out of the country- he deserves it so I don't think he will stick it to me.
I am lying in bed- snot almost gone- and typing beside my wife who is asleep. She thinks I am married to this laptop and I am.
Took the daughter to see Santa Claus tonight. She took one look at him and screamed bloody murder. I was the same way when I was two years old. I guess it runs in the family. Distrust of strange looking fat fuckers with beards.
Got this consultant at work- he is charging me $1200 a day to implement a cost system. I fucking hate consultants. I always feel like I have been raped after they are gone. If I feel that way at the end of this project, I am going to hunt the greasy-faced genius down and torture him by taping his mouth shut.
You know the type- talk, talk, talk, ramble, ramble ramble- like Greenspeak. This bastard is so damn smart that when he talks it takes all I have in concentration and brain power to follow his train of thought. He bounces from idea to idea with irrelevant segues. I hate fuckers like that. And he always ends the insipid list of babble with "does that make sense?"
I always say "no" but it doesn't faze him. But I like him anyway. If I don't meet budget because of this unbudgeted expenditure I guess I will hang myself because I won't make my bonus payout and my key employees won't either which will put seven demoralized direct subordinates on my hands.
It is always good to appear as if you know what you are doing.
IVF HELL!!
Anyway, the wife and I wanted to have another child- the old fashioned way was not working and neither of us was improving in the ability-to-conceive category so we did the fertility thing.
First it was the subcutaneous injections that stimulated her ovaries to produce multiple follicles per cycle. When the follicles were large enough I got the distinct pleasure of giving my sample with no help from anyone but myself and a copy of Barely Legal. They take my semen sample and put it through some type of wash that removes some of the bad sperm and then inject it into my wife's uterus. The hope is that the sperm will have a better chance of fertilizing an egg since it doesn't have to swim through the vagina and cervix.
After three cycles of that method with no success we bit the bullet and started In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Joy of all joys, this procedure (as all the others) is not covered by my health insurance- so I tapped the home equity line for the $20,000 it costs to buy 6 tries at IVF.
This IVF thing is really a bitch for both of us. For my wife it is lots of injectible drugs, fucked up hormones, driving to the lab on a daily basis for bloodwork, transvaginal ultrasounds, and the best of all, intramuscular injections of projesterone in sesame oil given by me nightly for 12 nights. For me is it putting up with all that psychological shit. Fortunately for me my wife is usually on an even keel! She rarely gets moody- one of the big reasons I married her. So the mood swings weren't quite as bad as they could have been.
So with this IVF thing after the mother-to-be takes all these drugs to stimulate her ovaries I get to go whack in the plastic cup again (it seems I have done this thousands of times) and then my wife goes in for the egg retrieval. In order to retrieve the eggs my wife has to go through an outpatient procedure. This is very pleasant. The procedure involves sticking a long needle through the sides of the vagina to retrieve the eggs. Since there are two ovaries there are two different needle sticks. Hmm- another good reason to be thankful I am not a woman.
So once they get the eggs they put on some nice music, lower the lights, pop open a bottle of champagne, put some quarters in the vibrating bed and throw the sperm and the eggs together. In our case we had five eggs that fertilized.
After five days they picked the best two embryos and transferred them back into my wife's uterus. Two weeks later we found out that we are having twins!! Holy shit!
First it was the subcutaneous injections that stimulated her ovaries to produce multiple follicles per cycle. When the follicles were large enough I got the distinct pleasure of giving my sample with no help from anyone but myself and a copy of Barely Legal. They take my semen sample and put it through some type of wash that removes some of the bad sperm and then inject it into my wife's uterus. The hope is that the sperm will have a better chance of fertilizing an egg since it doesn't have to swim through the vagina and cervix.
After three cycles of that method with no success we bit the bullet and started In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Joy of all joys, this procedure (as all the others) is not covered by my health insurance- so I tapped the home equity line for the $20,000 it costs to buy 6 tries at IVF.
This IVF thing is really a bitch for both of us. For my wife it is lots of injectible drugs, fucked up hormones, driving to the lab on a daily basis for bloodwork, transvaginal ultrasounds, and the best of all, intramuscular injections of projesterone in sesame oil given by me nightly for 12 nights. For me is it putting up with all that psychological shit. Fortunately for me my wife is usually on an even keel! She rarely gets moody- one of the big reasons I married her. So the mood swings weren't quite as bad as they could have been.
So with this IVF thing after the mother-to-be takes all these drugs to stimulate her ovaries I get to go whack in the plastic cup again (it seems I have done this thousands of times) and then my wife goes in for the egg retrieval. In order to retrieve the eggs my wife has to go through an outpatient procedure. This is very pleasant. The procedure involves sticking a long needle through the sides of the vagina to retrieve the eggs. Since there are two ovaries there are two different needle sticks. Hmm- another good reason to be thankful I am not a woman.
So once they get the eggs they put on some nice music, lower the lights, pop open a bottle of champagne, put some quarters in the vibrating bed and throw the sperm and the eggs together. In our case we had five eggs that fertilized.
After five days they picked the best two embryos and transferred them back into my wife's uterus. Two weeks later we found out that we are having twins!! Holy shit!
4/05/2004
Apparently the daughter had a rough afternoon. My mother came by so the wife could take a break and go to the bank. She had to deposit the Burnette's rent payment and my deposit for the mountain house account. The daughter cried the entire time the wife was gone. Mother said that was the first time she could not get her consoled.
I guess she is just a baby. Nevertheless, she is growing like a weeed, smiling more and being able to lay on her back in the crib and look around a lot more as well.
I love this stage but I am ready for the wife to get some sleep and for her to sleep out of our bed. We want to have another baby but it won't happen as long as the daughter is sleeping with us.
I shall remain patient.
I guess she is just a baby. Nevertheless, she is growing like a weeed, smiling more and being able to lay on her back in the crib and look around a lot more as well.
I love this stage but I am ready for the wife to get some sleep and for her to sleep out of our bed. We want to have another baby but it won't happen as long as the daughter is sleeping with us.
I shall remain patient.
3/29/2004
My daughter was christened or baptized or whatever yesterday. I think it is a silly custom- first and foremost because I don't beleive. Secondly, I think our daughter should have the ability to make up her own mind to believe what she chooses. Right now she doesn't have that ability. You really don't want to get me started on this whole religion thing.
Anyway, she did very well. the wife held her up in front of the congregation. The put the daughter's back to her chest and made a seat with her forearm. London cooed and giggled for a while. When the pastor took London and put the water on her head London cried in protest, but it was short lived. After we said all those silly things and I untruthfully confessed my faith and promised to raise the daughter teaching her the ways of "god" we all sat down and then the wife and I took the daughter out of the church since she was crying.
I took the daughter back to the building where all her changing stuff was and changed her out of her $138 christening gown and into some comfortable clothes and put her in the Baby Bjorn and carried her around the cemetery while she continued to cry for about 5 minutes. Steve, Cindy, Lauren and Kayla all came up for the baptism which I appreciated very much. Even Greg and Kori showed up!
I walked her around the cemetary outside the church until everyone got out of church and then I walked her around inside the dining hall.
She is smiling more and more now and really cooing and almost giggling. Still she sleeps with Tamara on her chest. It is going to be a big challenge to get her to sleep by herself.
Anyway, she did very well. the wife held her up in front of the congregation. The put the daughter's back to her chest and made a seat with her forearm. London cooed and giggled for a while. When the pastor took London and put the water on her head London cried in protest, but it was short lived. After we said all those silly things and I untruthfully confessed my faith and promised to raise the daughter teaching her the ways of "god" we all sat down and then the wife and I took the daughter out of the church since she was crying.
I took the daughter back to the building where all her changing stuff was and changed her out of her $138 christening gown and into some comfortable clothes and put her in the Baby Bjorn and carried her around the cemetery while she continued to cry for about 5 minutes. Steve, Cindy, Lauren and Kayla all came up for the baptism which I appreciated very much. Even Greg and Kori showed up!
I walked her around the cemetary outside the church until everyone got out of church and then I walked her around inside the dining hall.
She is smiling more and more now and really cooing and almost giggling. Still she sleeps with Tamara on her chest. It is going to be a big challenge to get her to sleep by herself.
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