Shit my daughter says

I was trying to help get my daughters dressed for the day.  As usual they both claimed that they needed help.  Not surprising for my 5 year old daughter but my 8 year old should be able to achieve the task herself.

So I slog into my 5 year old daughter's room and ask her if she needs any help.  She responds "yes Daddy!" with the tone of voice that said "of course you dumbass, isn't that what I just asked?"

So I rifle through her closet and come out with a very cute skirt that I bought her when I was on a business trip to Texas.  It is a jean skirt with pink bandana ruffles and a matching pink shirt with an image of cowgirl boots on the front- a cute western outfit just perfect for a 5 year old girly girl which is exactly what my daughter is.

I presented the skirt and shirt to her and asked "What about this?"

She looked directly at me an sternly said with the air of a teenager, "Daddy, you aren't helping."

I aske her "so darling, what can I do to help you?"

She replied without skipping a beat or having to think, "You can leave my room."

I can't let this go.

This is what $8,000 worth of draperies, pillow covers and duvet covers looks like. Someone got raped.

If Life Was Fair Part 10

If life was fair I would have learned by now that unless I want to feel like I have been financially raped, I must give my wife a specific non-flexible budget for a household project and not agree to give her any more.  I just have committed myself to paying over $8,000 for drapes in ONE fucking room!!!  Oh wait, that is two rooms.  I forgot about the small windows in the laundry room.  Regardless, it is a total of four windows and I feel so fucking stupid.

If Life Was Fair Part 9

If life was fair our garage wouldn't smell like cat piss and decaying dead rodents.

The shit my 5 year old daughter says

Today my 7 year old daughter walked by in close proximity to my 5 year old daugher as she was going up the stiars.  My 5 year old daughter said "Hey sister!  You smell like vagina."  It was all I could do to contain my laughter.

If Life Was Fair Part 8

If life was fair I wouldn't let so much time elapse before I filter through all my emails.  I haven't done it in about a month and it has taken over 6 hours to categorize and delete the emails.

If Life Was Fair Part 7

If life was fair I would still have enough energy to have the same level of drive towards both my family and my job- lately it has been an unequal balance in favor of the family.  I guess if I don't straighten this shit out it will require even more drive for my family because we will be poor quickly if the business goes in the shitter.

If Life Was Fair Part 6

If life was fair someone would have invented a toilet seat that would automatically put itself down when it sensed a woman nearby.

If Life Was Fair Part 5

If life was fair I would stop wishing for eternal youth and be 21 again with my current level of immaturity and a less passive personality.

If Life Was Fair Part 4

If life was fair I would still be 23 years old.

If Life Was Fair Part 3

If life was fair my three children would pick up after themselves and I wouldn't have a house that bears an uncanny resemblance to a landfill after being detonated by a 3 meagton bomb.

If Life Was Fair Part 2

If life was fair women wouldn't mind if their husbands had several girlfriends and vice versa.

Sharting

So I am in this foreign country eating some foreign food.  I have been here a lot and eaten this food a lot.  For some reason what I ate last night did not do me right.  I had delicious lobster creps, carpaccio, and arrabiata with fettucini and two excellent dark German weiss beers.  Today my stomach has felt queasy and all I ate was some watermelon and a salad.

Tonight on my way home I sharted.  Ran down my leg and everything.  Quite nasty.  Luckily is was mostly liquid and not enough volume to be noticable to anyone but me.

If life was fair....

I am going to start a series of posts that expresses the dreamworld of life...that utopia that we all dream about... that unachievable... that dream that will never happen.

If life were fair I would be good looking enough for my wife to want to have sex with every night...

Robin Meade

Robin Meade is fucking hot but I wouldn't notice because I am married.

 

Katy Perry

Katy Perry has some nice lungs.

Getting Lucky

The last time I scored was when the wife got completely trashed on December 28 drinking moonshine with the sister-in-law.  She came to bed at 4:00 AM when she normally goes to sleep at 9:00 PM.  She had been smoking cigarettes.  So now it looks like I only get lucky when the alcohol has dulled the thoughts.  Welcome to marriage.

Dry Spell

I don't rember the last time I had sex.

Stupid Fucking Cat

Indoor cat pissed on my coat and clothes,sharpens its claws on the furniture, and pukes all over the house.  I guess this doesn't bother the wife but the kitty is coming close to the gas chamber.

Broken Arm

I was with the three hellions at Grandm and Pop Pop's house last night hanging with my brother and his family who was visiting from out of town.  I was in the kitchen cleaning up after a nice dinner of orange roughy, fresh baked bread, salad, baked potato, fresh tomatoes, etc.  My sister-in-law came to me to tell me that Lolo needed me.

I went to the back porch where she was and she was sitting up cradling her right arm which was obviously deformed with a break.  She was in tears.

So we ended up in the emergency room untill 11:00 pm where they put a splint on too tightly.  It swelled at night and caused a good amout of pain.  She got a real cast put on today- they did not set her right arm- the break was not nearly as bad as the one on her left arm last year. She was such a brave girl.

Transubstantiation is such a fucking idiotic belief that it makes me want to vomit.