Morons Dining out on the sabbath

The opinion pages in our local paper have been kind of interesting lately. There are people in this town who go out to eat in restaurants on sundays and instead of leaving a monetary tip they leave a card that reads "Here is a tip: it is immoral to work on Sundays." A woman wrote to the paper saying that she gets at least one of these cards every time she works sundays. Of course there was not short supply of bible thumpers writing to the editor saying that they too refuse to leave money as tips on sundays.

Things like this get my brains boiling. Although I have never waited tables, I have always understood that waiting tables is a job where one depends on tips. I think most rational people understand this as well. The trouble starts with totally absurd interpretations of the bible.

If it is immoral to work on sunday then how is it moral to actually support those who do? Why go to a restaurant to eat with all those immoral people working there?

I guess if you were driving your car to church on sunday (a potentially imorral act in itself) and were broadsided by an immoral trucker delivering food to the grocery store, you should be left to die in your crumpled car because it is immoral for the EMT to come to your rescue. If somehow you were able to drag your closed minded ass out of your vehicle and an immoral power company employee on his way to restore power that keeps the heart and lung machines running at the hospital stops to give you a lift to the nearest emergency room, there would be no doctors at the hospital to treat you because it is a sin to work on sunday.

I would also have to assume that the preacher at church preaches for free every Sunday. No doubt that he preacher's contract stipulates that his or her compensation is only for Monday through Saturday. Also the assistant pastor, music director and janitor would be working gratis as well.

I have nothing against people who have blind faith from religious spirituality but I do have a lot against people who apply their blind faith as justification for hypocrisy. Living in the bible belt I see way too much of this.

I used to have this emblem on my car. A good many people had no clue as to the meaning. They didn't like my explanations either.


I could go on and on but I have to be fully awake in five hours and chances are that I will have to change a few diapers between now and then.

Random Thoughts

I am feeling kind of unispired today.

North Carolina just got the lottery earlier this year. People around here are going batshit over it. In my opinion the lottery is a tax on people who never had a statistics class. I'd rather waste money on something worthwhile like a nice bowl of vinegar ice cream.

Normally I consider myself a fence sitter when it comes to politics, but Bush is completely out of touch when it comes to his veto of the stem cell research bill. What would he do if one of his daughters lives could be saved as a result of federally funded stem-cell research?

Our soon-to-be nanny's best friend was brutally stabbed and shot to death by her husband in front of her three young children. I cannot imagine anything more horrible and unfair. There have been five murders in seven days in our small town that normally sees that number of murders in a year's time. Two of the other murders were committed by a young man who killed his father and his father's girlfriend because of the pressure he was getting to repay a $3000 debt.

Worker's comp fraud ignites passionate anger in me- especially since I have an employee who I believe is involved in it right now.

Religious fundamentalism (no matter what religion) and its interpretations scare the shit out of me. People who accept creationism and reject all the other solid evidence for evolution need to really sit down and think about this saying:

"Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open"

I don't think so

We tried to coerce Lolo into cutting her toenails tonight. For some reason she is terrified of having them cut and thinks it will hurt.

Before bed we were trying to cut them and Lolo said "I want to go to bed with all my toenails"

Milestones

I reached a significant milestone on my last post and failed to recognize it. My last post was my 69th post. Yay 69!

Lolo pooped in the potty for the first time in her life at Mimi's on Friday night. She also asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee while I was giving her a bath tonight. The question came out of the blue- I have no idea where she got that. But I sure as hell know where she got her new taste for Happy Meals. The wife and I don't feed her that shit. I guess that is the price of free childcare via parents.

Lolo says she doesn't like crabs.

I was rejected by the wife tonight.

So I am laying her on the sofa, er.. uh.. I mean my bed- watching TV and a commercial for Bowflex is on. It promises me pumped arms, ripped abs and legs of steel. Shit all I have to do is buy this miracle machine and work out for 20 minutes five days a week and I too will look like the dude on TV. I couldn't dial the phone fast enough.

The sad part about this is that the stupid commercials actually work. How many idiots are out there waiting to spend their hard-earned cash on that machine? The people who fall for those commercials are exactly the ones who do not need to be spending money on one of those machines. They need to get a personal trainer and a gymn membership and a little discipline to actually stick to a workout regimen.

Those are UDDERS dear!

I was reading a new book to Lolo tonight. It had cartoonish drawings of several cows in it. Lolo pointed to the picture of one cow with udders and said "Look daddy, that cow has four penises."

Fighter Jet Crashes at Local Airport

A F-86 Sabre Korean War Vintage jet crashed on takeoff at the airport about 2 miles from my house. My thoughts go out to the late Mr. Fuller's family.

Is this turning into a Kiddie blog?

This is not turning into a Kiddie blog, it has been one. I guess that is all I have known for the past 2.5 years. Maybe one day my life will be interesting enough to produce material that has quality potential. Hmm. Maybe a trillion dollars in gold bullion will fly out of my ass.

Lolo now sings her ABCs with authority, loves to sing Twinkle, Twinkle, Yiddle Star and count objects to ten while understanding what she is doing.

She also has insisted on wearing pull ups and for the past two days has been peeing in the potty.

Whew.

The twins had their first round of shots today. They both went to sleep immediately after the shots- they must have been wasted from the Tylenol. I'm tellin' ya! Those two and their vices! First is was breastmilk now children's Tylenol.

Atticus weighs 12 lb 6 oz and had some foreskin adhesion. Adrienne weighs 11 lb 5 oz and has a labial adhesion. I can honestly say that I never thought I would use the word labial in a conversation much less a blog.

Know your victim

Note to self: If I ever give up my life of being a passive, non-violent and law abiding citizen and start to rob and mug people on a random basis, I might want to make sure I choose my victims wisely.

Don't mess with Thomas Autry

Twins Ain't EASY

My wife is a freaking saint.

The twins are in a stage where they will only sleep about 20 minutes if you put them down otherwise they cry and cry. So if you want them to sleep and not cry you must either breastfeed them (not an option for me yet..... I am considering implants) or carry them. So the wife is constantly breastfeeding and sleeping with the two 8 week olds and her boobs are constantly store. Throw that in with a 2 1/2 year old who needs constant attention to keep her from using her poop as Play Doh and you have two adults who are pretty much delerious and quickly getting to the point of blown synaptic syndrome.

This too shall pass.

I was out of the country all last week for work (translation- I get a vacation and the wife has more of a challenge) and the wife went to my parents house to stay. Thank Venus for the parental units being close by. But the built-in baby sittters have a significant cost as well- the guests sanity. Living with my mom and dad is enough to make Bush bring the troops home from Iraq.

I might as well give up the getting lucky part. There is always next year. Getting all three chillins to sleep at the same time is kind of like a manned mission to Mars- it will happen one day but who the fuck knows when?


To make the day better I slammed my foot into the high chair and broke my toe.

This too shall pass.


Adrienne wasted on breastmilk


Atticus wasted on breastmilk

If I Don't Use It Will It Fall Off?

Now that the twins have settled into the routine of sleeping in my queen bed with the wife there pretty much is no room for me- especially if I am actually going to get sleep. So I spend my nightly horizontal unconscious time on the sofa.

So let's review.
Six week old twins
Two year old daughter
Wife breastfeeding twins
Twins sleep in bed with wife
I sleep on sofa

In another seven months or so when I attempt to put an end to my career as a professional abstainer I am not even sure if I will have functioning parts. Unless I get a test run beforehand I guess I will have to take my chances.

I wonder if I can get a free pass for another roller coaster?

I wonder if the wife will mind?
Question to self: "What color is the sky in your world?"

My Favorite Sound (besides my children's laughter)

If you have ever been to the south (western NC, upper SC, northern GA) you will recognize this. It is pretty much my favorite sound. What might sound like hiss is a sweet rummer rain shower. Things can get really peaceful around here when Lolo and the twins are asleep.

The sport of Extreme Childrearing

Lolo now can take off all her clothes except for her shirt for her bath. The other night in the tub she sang twinkle-twinkle little star all the way through. She also loves to sing the theme song to Miffy (that minimalistic bunny without a mouth toes or fingers that can grasp paint brushes). Her version goes like this:
"Miiiiiiiiiiiiiifffffyyyyy sweet yittul bunny, Miiiiiiiify smart yittul bunny"

Today I was reading "Snap, button, zip" to Lolo and when it got to the button part where she had to put the big button through the buttonhole (a practice book for buttoning a coat) she was not able to do it and got really pissed off and screamed "It's so frustrating!" I had no idea she knew such a big word and understood the context! I know that she got that one from her mother- the queen of impatience.

The wife was at home all day by herself with the twins and Lolo. She seemed to have a pretty good day until I got home- that is when both the twins became very fussy.


By the way, I am having to sell our awesome Volvo to afford the Expedition we just bought. I can't even put into words how awesome this car is- just not big enough for the fam damily. If anyone wants a great car please step up!!

Zoo and Misc Stuff

Okay I look drunk in this picture, but really I am still reeling from the impact of having twins and I just had thought about how much two weddings will cost in another 35 years (one year after the age both of my daughters will start dating).

Today we took Lolo and the twins to the local Zoo. Lolo had a blast feeding the giraffe and camels. She really liked the camel with two humps. Normally I like two humps as well but I will probably have to wait until the twins get out of my bed for that to happen.

I am not real thrilled with this local zoo which is really a farm that has exotic animals. Most of them are caged and don't have a lot of room to move. I think in a way it is cruel. It was just too damn hot at the zoo for the twins so we didn't stay long.



The twins are becoming more and more alert. Atticus is the more fussy of the two. They are both breastfeeding and bottlefeeding since the wife thinks she does not make enough milk for both of them.

Now the wife is letting me sleep through the night every night. She is taking them to bed with her and rolling from one side to the other all night to feed them both.

Lolo is still not showing signs of potty training. She still requests to inspect her brown diaper artwork at every change. We hope that will change soon since she is now enrolled in a summer pre-school program and will have peers that actually don't poop in their pants.

Lolo didn't have school this week due to the 4th holiday. It sure is tough on the wife to have all three at home with no help. We must find her some help during the week when it is her vs. the three chillins (or youngerns as the folks around the parts say).

We (the whole family) made a trip to Target on Sunday. What a freaking ordeal. I made the mistake of taking Lolo out of the shopping cart. She immediately started pulling shit off the racks and throwing it on the floor (did I expect andything different?). Trying to get her back in the shopping cart was no easy feat and involved screaming, whining and crying. When we got to checkout, Lolo decided to lose her shyness and talked to the cashier for about five minutes. She told her about how she was going to the beach. The cashier asked her when and Lolo replied "I'm going to the beach in August" It was like she was acutally having a conversation. I like to think that this means she is really advanced for her age of 2.5 years.

Happy 4th of July!

Smells of Infancy

My wife commented today that our 5 week old son smells like the inside of a very ripe plaster cast that has been on a broken limb for about 2 months.

Maybe he needs a bath.

Strep attacks Lolo

Lolo woke up this morning at 6:00 am with a 103 degree fever. She was supposed to go to her summer preschool program today but the fever nixed that and she went to stay with the mother-in-law. The fever continued so the wife took Lolo to the doctor while the mother-in-law stayed with the twins.

Diagnosis: Streptococcus pyogenes, or group A beta-hemolytic streptococcus also known as strep throat.

So now Lolo stays with the in-laws because she is very contagious and it would be a very bad thing for the twins to get strep throat.

Work is still there.

When I kiss Lolo goodbye in the mornings she usually asks "Daddy, you going to make some money?" I try but it seems to disappear faster than I make it for some reason.

The reason I have difficulty saying no

Today was the first time our entire fambly of five made it out of the house all together. We might as well have choreographed the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.

No REM for me.

Twins aren't sleeping very well. Parents are at hallucinatory threshold from sleep deprivation. We will will this battle.

My daughter is a goose

My daughter morphs into a goose when breastfeeding. If you don't believe me check it out.
Honking Milk Sucker

Awake enough to type

I am not sure if I am awake enough to type or not. The twins are not sleeping very well this week and the attention required between them and Lolo is pretty damn challenging. We have enrolled Lolo in a school for 3 days a week that lasts from 9:00 am to 1:00 pm so the wife gets somewhat of a break during those hours. I don't see how she does it. We need to praise the women in our lives! Raising children with the husband working full time is not a cakewalk.

Atticus projectile shat the other day. I heard all this commotion and I ran into the nursery to find the wife standing there holding his feet up in the air with a slosh of green sludge that stretched from the source to the changing table, across the wipes, the diaper trash and onto the opposite wall. I had no idea that such a little colon could hold such destructive force. It was quite entertaining.

Since Lolo has been spending a lot of time with the in-laws (Mimi and PawPaw) she is starting to pick up their dialect. My inlaws are the best people in the world and I love them dearly. The way they talk has absolutely nothing to do with their integrity or education. However, their dialect of English kind of has me puzzled.

Syllables multiply like rabbits in their speech. For example, most of us go to sleep in a bed. They pronounce the sleeping place as "bayud". The talking horse is not Ed but "Ayud". The green stuff that grows on the ground in the shade is not moss but "maws". If you get kicked in the shin your leg is not sore it is "sower". The fibrous material that grows on top of your "hayud" is "hayer". So you get the picture. I could go on and on.

Well now my daughter has picked up this speech and it really shouldn't bother me, but I would prefer it if my daughter would speak more in my dialect (a little less country). I consistently give my wife hell about it since she slips into that dialect very easily (especially when she is with her parents). The bottom line... one should not judge others by the color of their skin, sex, religion, sexual orientation, and most certainly not the way they talk. However judging others by political affiliation is allowed but that is another post.

My conversation with Lolo today on the drive home:

Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds

Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds

Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds
Lolo: Ohhhhhhh............ pauses.... Daddy.
Me: Yes dear
Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds.

Lolo: Where is the moon?
Me: Behind the clouds.

Lolo: Where are the stars?
Me: Behind the clouds.

Lolo: Where is the sun?
Me: Behind the clouds

Lolo: Here daddy (holding out her thumb and index finger pressed together) you want my boogie?
Me: No, mommy wants your boogie. Give it to her when we get home.

Twin Update

Adrienne (left) and Atticus (right) are doing well. The wife now has them on the same feeding schedule- one on each boob simultaneously. They eat, burp, poop and then sleep. Repeat every two to three hours. The wife acutally did not wake me up at all the past two nights. Since they are breastfed babies about all I can do is change them and lend moral support. She was very kind to let me sleep, but she certainly isn't getting enough sleep.

Lolo (the 2.5 yr old) absolutely loves "her" babies. She wants to hold them all the time and kiss them- especially after she has been playing in her poopie.

So it looks like the three aren't going to fit so well in the Volvo stationwagon so I am car shopping. Also I am trying to get unburied from work. As if!!!