If Life Was Fair Part 11

If life was fair I would not be a procrastinator.  I have kind of procrastinated myself into a debacle and it isn't anyone's fault but mine.

An Awesome Idea for a Noodle Resaurant

I have a great idea for the name of a noodle restaurant:

Phở Q

'nuff said.

For those of you who don't "get" this, phở is a Vietnamese noodle soup which is pronouced "Fuh"

The redeeming quality of IAH

I travel a lot.  I frequently fly through IAH which is the George Bush Intercontinental Aiprort in Houston, TX.  I have a little wait for my layover and normally it really sucks spending time in airports.

One of the few redeeming qualities of large airports is all the eye candy.  However, although there are a large number of attractive persons of the opposite sex walking by me.  I really don't notice them because I am married and my wife told me that I am not allowed to look at other women unless they are extremely unattractive.

I need to get home.

Shit my daughter says

I was trying to help get my daughters dressed for the day.  As usual they both claimed that they needed help.  Not surprising for my 5 year old daughter but my 8 year old should be able to achieve the task herself.

So I slog into my 5 year old daughter's room and ask her if she needs any help.  She responds "yes Daddy!" with the tone of voice that said "of course you dumbass, isn't that what I just asked?"

So I rifle through her closet and come out with a very cute skirt that I bought her when I was on a business trip to Texas.  It is a jean skirt with pink bandana ruffles and a matching pink shirt with an image of cowgirl boots on the front- a cute western outfit just perfect for a 5 year old girly girl which is exactly what my daughter is.

I presented the skirt and shirt to her and asked "What about this?"

She looked directly at me an sternly said with the air of a teenager, "Daddy, you aren't helping."

I aske her "so darling, what can I do to help you?"

She replied without skipping a beat or having to think, "You can leave my room."

I can't let this go.

This is what $8,000 worth of draperies, pillow covers and duvet covers looks like. Someone got raped.

If Life Was Fair Part 10

If life was fair I would have learned by now that unless I want to feel like I have been financially raped, I must give my wife a specific non-flexible budget for a household project and not agree to give her any more.  I just have committed myself to paying over $8,000 for drapes in ONE fucking room!!!  Oh wait, that is two rooms.  I forgot about the small windows in the laundry room.  Regardless, it is a total of four windows and I feel so fucking stupid.

If Life Was Fair Part 9

If life was fair our garage wouldn't smell like cat piss and decaying dead rodents.

The shit my 5 year old daughter says

Today my 7 year old daughter walked by in close proximity to my 5 year old daugher as she was going up the stiars.  My 5 year old daughter said "Hey sister!  You smell like vagina."  It was all I could do to contain my laughter.

If Life Was Fair Part 8

If life was fair I wouldn't let so much time elapse before I filter through all my emails.  I haven't done it in about a month and it has taken over 6 hours to categorize and delete the emails.

If Life Was Fair Part 7

If life was fair I would still have enough energy to have the same level of drive towards both my family and my job- lately it has been an unequal balance in favor of the family.  I guess if I don't straighten this shit out it will require even more drive for my family because we will be poor quickly if the business goes in the shitter.

If Life Was Fair Part 6

If life was fair someone would have invented a toilet seat that would automatically put itself down when it sensed a woman nearby.

If Life Was Fair Part 5

If life was fair I would stop wishing for eternal youth and be 21 again with my current level of immaturity and a less passive personality.

If Life Was Fair Part 4

If life was fair I would still be 23 years old.

If Life Was Fair Part 3

If life was fair my three children would pick up after themselves and I wouldn't have a house that bears an uncanny resemblance to a landfill after being detonated by a 3 meagton bomb.

If Life Was Fair Part 2

If life was fair women wouldn't mind if their husbands had several girlfriends and vice versa.

Sharting

So I am in this foreign country eating some foreign food.  I have been here a lot and eaten this food a lot.  For some reason what I ate last night did not do me right.  I had delicious lobster creps, carpaccio, and arrabiata with fettucini and two excellent dark German weiss beers.  Today my stomach has felt queasy and all I ate was some watermelon and a salad.

Tonight on my way home I sharted.  Ran down my leg and everything.  Quite nasty.  Luckily is was mostly liquid and not enough volume to be noticable to anyone but me.