The wife drug me to Babys R Us this morning to pick up the $37,000 worth of cribs, chest of drawers, hangers, mattresses, car seats, and night lights. I took the van from work to haul all of the shit and soaked joyous rapture of the store manager and me trying to fit all of it into the ass end of the van. Good thing the company has a one ton van.
Nice weather today in North Carolina- 60 degrees F with sun. So I threw on the nut-hugging homo pants and hit the bike with the insane triathlon geek friends 1 and 2. We only rode for 1.5 hours and did a 30 minute run afterwards but my p*%##y still hurts. These morons are training for a 1/2 Ironman (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride, 13 mile run) and planning on doing Lake Placid Ironman in 2007 (1/2 Ironman x 2) and are of the opinion that I will be doing it with them. Queue laughter here...
I am a triathlete but I do sprint triathlons (1/2 mile swim, 12 to 18 mile bike, 5k run) and occasionally an international distance triathlon (sprint x 2) but the Ironmans are in a league of their own. I'm not saying that I can't do it. I have no doubt that I have the physical ability and somewhat the desire. I just can't do it without neglecting my job and most importantly my fambly. (that's right I said "fambly" That's how us folks in NC tawk).
But I felt much better getting some exercise after several weeks of slothing around, eating Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate, Cape Cod Potato Chips and drinking too much damn Zinfandel.
It seems the daughter has gotten into a bad habit. The wife and I had two sleepless nights this past week because the Daughter decided that sleeping on her own in her own room was utterly beneath her. So she put the vocal cords on 10 and made her pronouncement about midnight both nights. After repeated sessions of rocking and telling her it was time for "night night" the wife finally took her into the bed with her. I couldn't get back to sleep - two nights in a row. I might as well get used to that shit!
Potty training hasn't progressed either. She still is dumping behind the drapes in the wearable shitbag. Here I go again, complaining. I think I should rename this blog "The King of Whiny-ass Jackasses".
Despite all my complaining, I am ultimately satisfied with my position in life at the present. I am blessed with the love of my life (the daughter) who makes me laugh and smile every day. I have a very loyal and dedicated wife (non-booty-throwing for now, but dedicated), I have an awesome job- (the company is very profitable), and I don't have a hairy ass any more.
Speaking of my lack of SEX.
Triathlon geek friend #2 was talking about the church he and his wife started attending. The preacher is having a lecture series on couples needs - you know, "her needs" vs. "his needs." He suggested that I should attend with my wife on the "his needs" week to plant the seeds for the resolution to my shriveling schlong syndrome. Very kind of him to think of me in my time of need.
I might attend but I have another ass-waxing session with BoBo the love clown that Sunday and then I am going to eat a gallon of glass shards. Those things are much more spiritually satisfying than church. My agnosticism is my least endearing quality to my god fearin' southern fried wife. Cain't have it all!!!! Jesus love me.. but he cain't stand you!
1/22/2006
Happy Birthday Lolo - Death to the Mad Pisser
Today is the daughter's second birthday so we had family over and naturally gorged ourselves (also shortened our lives by a combined 100 years) on North Carolina Pork Barbeque. We were in redneck heaven, the only things lacking were an absence of missing teeth, confederate battle flags and 6 packs of Bud.
Lets talk birthday presents- the pile of useless shit grew exponentially in a matter of 20 minutes. Well it might not be useless to the daughter initially, but give it a couple of weeks and the 73 new toys will be added to the "I'm tired of that stupid toy" pile and I will build another addition to the house to save them.
One of the presents she got was three tent-like cubes big enough for her to stand in connected by two tunnels. She immediately jumped on what looked to her as a solid object. Well these things are just held up by flimsy aluminum poles and won't withstand a 5 mph breeze much less 30 pounds of bouncing flesh. The cube collapsed and she went down head first on the floor. She quickly arose with tears streaming and blood dripping from her mouth. She had cut her upper lip and was calmed by chewing on ice. Fortunately no broken teeth (so much for realizing the redneck dream early) but it was quite the traumatic occurrence for a two year old.
The daughter's birthday cake was a Hello Kitty cake (everything in our house is now Hello Kitty. I am thinking about a Hello Kitty tattoo on my forehead) with two big Hello Fucking Kitty candles. When the crowd sang happy birthday to her she got really shy and buried her head in mommy's shoulder. My mother said I did the same thing. After the candles were blown out the daughter ate about four handfuls of frosting (shortening with sugar) and some green beans.
Which leads to...
The daughter now has starting going behind the drapes and standing very quietly for #2. This is another sign that she is ready for potty training. The first sign was that she said "Hey dad, I gotta shit, where's the crapper?" I guess I should move the toilet back into the bathroom.
Speaking of bodily functions. We own a retarded cat who had been castrated yet still finds the time to piss on just about any vertical surface devoid of cat piss. Before today the only surfaces that met this criteria were the office furniture that I had just moved to the dungeon. Now he has so graciously anointed my furniture with his liquid of death. I am not a unreasonable person and consider myself a lover of animals.. but..... this fucker is coming close to a visit to kitty purgatory via the local euthanizer.
I really feel like doing this but I would never and could never.
Lets talk birthday presents- the pile of useless shit grew exponentially in a matter of 20 minutes. Well it might not be useless to the daughter initially, but give it a couple of weeks and the 73 new toys will be added to the "I'm tired of that stupid toy" pile and I will build another addition to the house to save them.
One of the presents she got was three tent-like cubes big enough for her to stand in connected by two tunnels. She immediately jumped on what looked to her as a solid object. Well these things are just held up by flimsy aluminum poles and won't withstand a 5 mph breeze much less 30 pounds of bouncing flesh. The cube collapsed and she went down head first on the floor. She quickly arose with tears streaming and blood dripping from her mouth. She had cut her upper lip and was calmed by chewing on ice. Fortunately no broken teeth (so much for realizing the redneck dream early) but it was quite the traumatic occurrence for a two year old.
The daughter's birthday cake was a Hello Kitty cake (everything in our house is now Hello Kitty. I am thinking about a Hello Kitty tattoo on my forehead) with two big Hello Fucking Kitty candles. When the crowd sang happy birthday to her she got really shy and buried her head in mommy's shoulder. My mother said I did the same thing. After the candles were blown out the daughter ate about four handfuls of frosting (shortening with sugar) and some green beans.
Which leads to...
The daughter now has starting going behind the drapes and standing very quietly for #2. This is another sign that she is ready for potty training. The first sign was that she said "Hey dad, I gotta shit, where's the crapper?" I guess I should move the toilet back into the bathroom.
Speaking of bodily functions. We own a retarded cat who had been castrated yet still finds the time to piss on just about any vertical surface devoid of cat piss. Before today the only surfaces that met this criteria were the office furniture that I had just moved to the dungeon. Now he has so graciously anointed my furniture with his liquid of death. I am not a unreasonable person and consider myself a lover of animals.. but..... this fucker is coming close to a visit to kitty purgatory via the local euthanizer.
I really feel like doing this but I would never and could never.
1/17/2006
Paranoid prognostications - My Family is trying to kill me
The wife is a southern belle who was raised on meat and taters, sausage gravy and cat head buttermilk biscuits and can out-southern-cook that chick on Food TV from Savannah. The father is a farm-raised Pennsylvania, slaughter-a-pig-a-week-and-don't-throw-any-part-of-the-carcass-away, red-meat-is-king kind of man. We are a close family so when we get together we eat. And eat. Then we eat some more. After that we run for president of the local Typical American Glutton club.
Don't get the wrong picture.. I am (or I think I am) healthy in all respects. I exercise very frequently, compete in sprint triathlons, am not overweight at all and when I am away from my wife and family I eat reasonably (read lunch M-F).
But my family is trying to kill me.
You see when we get together the father usually cooks filet mignon. The wife bows down and worships hamburger. So most nights when I come home she has cooked something with hamburger- meatloaf, goulash, hamburger pie, spaghetti sauce with hamburger, hamburger patties. Hamburger ice cream is next. I am a good boy and don't complain. I eat what is offered because I don't and can't take the time to cook for myself and I appreciate the fact that my wife spends all day taking care of the daughter (stay-at-home wife) and prepares food on top of that.
So when around my family after I have blown my triglycerides out of the stratosphere and consumed 4000 times the recommended daily intake of cholesterol, that is when they pull out the kryptonite- - dark chocolate. I cannot control myself around dark chocolate.
I wonder if my family really loves me? Why would they be so freely in making such death foods readily available? Maybe it is that $800,000 insurance policy that I bought on my life with my wife as beneficiary.
If you are reading this after December 31, 2006 and it is the last post in my blog you know what happened.
Don't get the wrong picture.. I am (or I think I am) healthy in all respects. I exercise very frequently, compete in sprint triathlons, am not overweight at all and when I am away from my wife and family I eat reasonably (read lunch M-F).
But my family is trying to kill me.
You see when we get together the father usually cooks filet mignon. The wife bows down and worships hamburger. So most nights when I come home she has cooked something with hamburger- meatloaf, goulash, hamburger pie, spaghetti sauce with hamburger, hamburger patties. Hamburger ice cream is next. I am a good boy and don't complain. I eat what is offered because I don't and can't take the time to cook for myself and I appreciate the fact that my wife spends all day taking care of the daughter (stay-at-home wife) and prepares food on top of that.
So when around my family after I have blown my triglycerides out of the stratosphere and consumed 4000 times the recommended daily intake of cholesterol, that is when they pull out the kryptonite- - dark chocolate. I cannot control myself around dark chocolate.
I wonder if my family really loves me? Why would they be so freely in making such death foods readily available? Maybe it is that $800,000 insurance policy that I bought on my life with my wife as beneficiary.
If you are reading this after December 31, 2006 and it is the last post in my blog you know what happened.
1/12/2006
Banished Like a Constipated Troll
Now that we are having twins and we live in a small 3 bedroom house with enough useless shit to fill a 40,000 square foot warehouse, we have to move all those precious items to make room for the additional humans.
The third bedroom was my office until yesterday. I have been banished like a retarded flea on a dog's nad into the cold garage. I had to move all my office crap from the third bedroom into the cat and dog toilet known as our basement.
You know what I am talking about. You have walked in someone else's basement or garage and took a deep breath and though to yourself "what kind of dumbasses put their pets in the garage to shit and piss?"
Reader, meet dumbass.
In order to move into the garage with the two Volvos (yes we are the ultimate yuppie child rearing family) I had to remove from the pet toilet the lawnmower, tools, pictures, boxes, plates, ladders, dollys, toys, china hutches, car jacks, battery chargers, insecticides, rakes, power blowers, electrical cords, (I can go on like this forever), broken toatsters, crates, bats, ropes, rolls of insulation, suitcases, pictures, ribbons, tire irons, planks, paint cans, vermouth, pruners, etc.
I couldn't just sort through that shit and throw out what wasn't needed so I did what any pragmatic person would do. I plopped down a cool $1700 for an "outbuilding" so we can move our useless shit from the basement/garage into the outbuilding.
The items in this picture have to be worth about $175,000. Serious bidders only!
So there a long story of how I will catch some strange disease from mold, mildew, fungus or cat piss.
1/09/2006
Facts
1. The company I am running made a 13.6% return on eqity last fiscal year as compared to neagative return for the S&P 500 and compared to a 9% return on eqity for similar companies.
2. Our daughter has really started putting words together to make sentences. She tells me to "Sit down!!" when she wants me to sit on the floor and play with her. Her vocabulary has exploded in the last week.
3. For the first time tonight the daughter used the potty for #1. She just sat down in her bath robe and peed. If course it absorbed into her bath robe. But she was so proud that she did it again after we removed her robe. Immediately after she made a good sized puddle in her little potty she turned around, stuck her hand in her own piss and started splashing. I wonder if she is my brother's daugher.
4. I have been some sort of sick since the week of Thankstaking. I think I have a sinus infection that as just not cleared up. Maybe I should go see the doctor.
5. I am supposed to get a rectal exam in order to drive our company's straight truck. I still am not sure what the two have to do with each other.
2. Our daughter has really started putting words together to make sentences. She tells me to "Sit down!!" when she wants me to sit on the floor and play with her. Her vocabulary has exploded in the last week.
3. For the first time tonight the daughter used the potty for #1. She just sat down in her bath robe and peed. If course it absorbed into her bath robe. But she was so proud that she did it again after we removed her robe. Immediately after she made a good sized puddle in her little potty she turned around, stuck her hand in her own piss and started splashing. I wonder if she is my brother's daugher.
4. I have been some sort of sick since the week of Thankstaking. I think I have a sinus infection that as just not cleared up. Maybe I should go see the doctor.
5. I am supposed to get a rectal exam in order to drive our company's straight truck. I still am not sure what the two have to do with each other.
1/07/2006
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